Does it surprise anyone that YOU were the person to load up this kind of a page? I mean, out of all the things on the Internet, many of which are actually cool and not a waste of your life, you would pick THIS one? You're even stupider than I thought, and I thought you were VERY stupid beforehand.....

This page is about the various cynical ad campaigns of the 90's, a concept which I'm sure is far too advanced for you. You see, back in the 90's, cynicism was very in. We were all grumpy, grungy, gritty, and skeptical of everything we didn't think of ourselves. Of course the economy couldn't have been better, there were no wars in sight, and intelligence was on an all-time upswing....BUT WE HAD OUR REASONS TO BE PESSIMISTIC! I knew you'd argue with us; you are SO clueless.

Anyway, it started with Bubble Tape. Bubble Tape is six feet of bubble gum, FOR US, NOT YOU! No way was this stuff for your clueless dad who ate lima beans and danced the polka. See, we KNEW, because we were way smarter than anyone. Our GYM TEACHER, escaped from charm school! Ironed his underwear! Watched hygiene films! HE said, "Anyone chewing Bubble Tape owes ME fifty pushups!!" They just didn't get it, and they didn't have the mental capacity to. The Bubble Tape Chewers: We are SO much better than you!


Pah! Does it surprise ANYONE that you didn't click? Why do I waste my time with you? What's the matter, afraid to take up your precious hard drive space that you have reserved for your unicorn paintings? You're pathetic. You will always be a pansy freak. I'm just gonna move on, and if you can't keep up, then do me a favor and spare me any further glances at your ugly face!

So anyway, I was at this family reunion! I was totally noshin' on my Mini-Wheats, and now all these LOSER GROWN-UPS WITH CELLULITE AND STUFF say I'm "smart"! "He's a real stickler for nutrition!" GET A CLUE, useless occupances of mass! It's the FROSTING! Not all that "whole grain wheat"! Frosted Mini-Wheats tastes so good, who cares about anything else? Besides, it's part of a complete breakfast! Now they say I "make good life decisions"! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!! Only geeks and losers do that! What do I care about life? Life is worthless! Everything is worthless! Well, that's not entirely true, actually....The only good thing about this planet is Seattle, because it's so depressing that it's totally tuned into reality!


Expectedly, I see that you still don't have the brains to move a mouse. I'm way too cool to be wasting my time with you! Seriously, will you get OUTTA HERE? You can't even click a stupid video link? Does your mommy chew your food for you? Do you wear diapers? I don't wear diapers, I ain't no sissy. I poop RIGHT into my baggy pants, 'cause the smell is awesome! Defecation ROCKS! Like death! Death rocks too! It'd be so rockin' if somebody died right now!

Like, for example, my dad. Me and my bros were just chillin' on the porch when that clueless bald man comes up and actually has the nerve to ask why we eat Apple Jacks when they don't taste like apples. HOW could he not know? LIKE, UH! We just DO! We don't have to EXPLAIN why we like it! I don't have to explain anything to anyone! What a dork he is! Like it's hard to understand why they don't just change the name of the cereal instead of having to spell out that they don't taste like their namesake in every single ad! Pointless names rule! Like cute furry cats! Wait, where'd that come from?


You still haven't downloaded any of them, have you? Why don't you just give up on life? Listen to Teacher, pal: NOBODY LOVES YOU!! EVERYBODY HATES YOU!! YOUR MERE EXISTENCE IS A BURDEN TO MANKIND!! AND YOU'RE FAT!!
Aw look, you're gonna cry! Awwww, like I'm soooo saaaad! Is Baby gonna cry? Huh?

....Well? Come on and cry. Hasn't anything I've said to you sunk in? Fine, be that way. Dummy.

Tell me something: why are you so lame? I mean, do you WANT to be? Why do you read a website called "Platypus Comix" when there are no platypi anywhere in it? I bet you can't even see why kids love Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Dude, all you have to do is act exactly like me and do everything I do, and then when you're a carbon copy of me and my buds, MAYBE I'll think you're halfway decent. MAYBE.

Anyway, I just wasted 30 minutes of my life typing this. Heh, cool, I wasted my life. I'm gonna go play with knives. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!


What, is "Rock Lobster" too cool for you too?