Are you part of PETA? Because one time those hippies came to my town and threw animal entrails on everyone. Are you a hippie?

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I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your ***** ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Dear Mr Spartan,


I'm really enjoying your answers so far. If you could take a look at my questions, I would really like that.

Question Number 1 - What is your favorite color?

Question Number 2 - Why do you run around in your underwear? Grown men don't do that unless they drink too much...

Question Number 3 - Why do you care so much about how your abs look?

Question Number 4 - Have you seen my parents? They've been gone for a while...

Question Number 5 - Do you regret killing anyone?

Question Number 6 - What is "crotch rot"?

Question Number 7 - Do you yell like this...

WANDER INTO THE WOODS ALONE AT THE AGE OF 9 WITH NOTHING BUT A CLOAK AND A SPEAR YOU CARVED YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN SURVIVE FOR THE NEXT 2 YEARS, LIVING OFF THE LAND, KILLING YOUR FOOD AND YOUR CLOTHING, FIGHTING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR YOUR MISERABLE, HELLISH EXISTENCE, THEN YOU WILL REALIZE THAT THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION AND ALL THAT MATTERS IS BLOODLUST AND BATTLE AND SURVIVAL. ALL ELSE IS VANITY.

PLUS, CRUNCHES. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CRUNCHES.

...because you are afraid no one will listen to you if you speak quietly? Are your ears hurt or something?

Question Number 8 - I think you're funny. Will you stay here at Toonzone even after April Fool's Day?

Okay...thank you and Merry Fool's Day!

Signed,

Little Joshua Beevles

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"Hope Sings in the Darkness"

How exactly do you dine in hell?

Does it hurt to know that Frank Miller controlled everything you do?

Why did the Persian army consist of ogres and ninjas?

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Animation Revelation: Taking Over Cartoons One Step At a Time.

And ImpishIdea For You Writers!

Clearly, sir, you and the entire Spartan society are Made of Win. How should behave if I want to be Made of Win and prevent myself from being Made of Fail?

Also...will you sign my petition to bring back Jem?

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"You were expecting maybe, uh...The Addams Family?" - Donatello

"Muh name ain't Hillwig. It's Jonah Woodson Hex, the man what dangles from strings that reach ta the heavens grasped in hands as cruel as any can imagine." - Jonah Hex

THAT'S NOT WHAT YOUR MOTHER SAID LAST NIGHT...OOOH, BURN! OLD-SCHOOL BURN! HAH! YOUR INSULTS ARE AS WEAK AS YOUR SWORD-ARM!!

ONLY IF YOU CAN BEST ME IN SINGLE COMBAT!! SPARTANS DO NOT GIVE HAND-OUTS!

SPARTANS DO NOT CARE WHAT SOUND THE WEAK THINGS MAKE AS WE CRUSH THEM BEFORE US!!


AFTERNOON TEA IS QUITE LOVELY, AND SOMETHING ALL SPARTANS TRY TO MAKE TIME FOR EVERY DAY. ESPECIALLY WHEN WE CAN GET FRESH-BAKED SCONES, EARLY CROP DARJEELING, THOSE LITTLE CUCUMBER SANDWICHES WITH THE DILL-MAYONNAISE SAUCE, AND THE SEVERED HEADS OF OUR ENEMIES ON PIKES AROUND US, STARING SLACK-JAWED AND GLASSY-EYED AT OUR SCRUMPTIOUS SPREAD AS THE BLOOD AND BRAINS RUN OUT OF THEIR NECK STUMPS.

COME OVER HERE. YOU GET A XIPHOS IN YOUR GUT.

BROLY REMINDS ME OF AN ARCADIAN I ONCE KNEW. HE MADE A GLORIOUS MESS OF THINGS ON THE BATTLEFIELD, BUT HIS HEART WAS IN THE RIGHT PLACE. AT LEAST UNTIL IT WASN'T.


SPARTANS DO NOT THROW ANIMAL ENTRAILS ON PEOPLE. SPARTANS TAKE THEM OUT OF OUR ENEMIES AND THROW THEM ON THEIR FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS AND LAUGH AS THEY SQUEAL AND RUN AROUND IN A PANIC.

SPARTANS ARE TOTALLY BEHIND ANIMAL RIGHTS, HOWEVER. FUR IS MURDER.

IN ORDER:
- MY FAVORITE COLOR IS THE CRIMSON OF DRIED BLOOD ON THE BATTLEFIELD, AS I STAND OVER MY FALLEN ENEMIES AND LAUGH AT THEIR WEAKNESS.
- SPARTANS DO NOT NEED TO HIDE BEHIND BIG, BULKY ARMOR. AND WE LOOK FABULOUS IN OUR LEATHER LOINCLOTHS WITH CAPES AND OUR BIG POUFY HELMETS. BESIDES, BREASTPLATES MAKE US LOOK FAT AND MAKE OUR HIPS LOOK TOO BIG.
- WE HAVE FACED "MEN" ON THE BATTLEFIELD WHO HAVE SURRENDERED OR FLED BEFORE THE SIGHT OF OUR ABS, LET ALONE OUR SPEARS. WE ENJOY IMPALING THEM MORE THAN USUAL.
- SPARTAN CHILDREN ARE SEPARATED FROM THEIR PARENTS AT AGE 9 AND SENT TO LIVE IN THE WOODS. THOSE THAT LIVE ARE ALLOWED TO MATURE. THOSE THAT DON'T ARE SOFT AND DO NOT DESERVE TO BE CALLED SPARTANS. CLEARLY, YOUR PARENTS SHOULD HAVE SENT YOU TO THE WOODS SOONER.
- SPARTANS ONLY REGRET NOT KILLING PEOPLE. I AM REGRETTING NOT PLANTING A SPEAR OR A SWORD IN MORE PEOPLE RIGHT NOW, IN FACT.
- CROTCH ROT IS THE COLLOQUIAL TERM FOR TINEA CRURIS, A PRURITIC SUPERFICIAL FUNGAL INFECTION OF THE GROIN AND ADJACENT SKIN, IS THE SECOND MOST COMMON CLINICAL PRESENTATION FOR DERMATOPHYTOSIS. TINEA CRURIS IS A COMMON AND IMPORTANT CLINICAL PROBLEM THAT MAY, AT TIMES, BE A DIAGNOSTIC AND THERAPEUTIC CHALLENGE. IF YOU ARE SUFFERING FROM IT, YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL IMMEDIATELY, OR JUST GO AHEAD AND CUT OFF THE INFECTED AREAS, SINCE YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO USE THEM ANYWAY.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "YELLING?" I AM NOT YELLING. THIS!! IS!! YELLING!!!!!!!
- I WILL NOT. THERE IS GLORY TO BE WON! I AM ONLY DOING THIS TODAY SO YOU PATHETIC WEAKLINGS CAN SEE THE REAL MAN THAT YOU WILL NEVER HOPE TO BE.

YOU ARE NOT A SPARTAN. YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO DINE IN HELL, FOR YOU MUST DINE EVERY DAY IN THE HELL OF KNOWING THAT YOU ARE A PATHETIC WORM NOT FIT TO CARRY OUR SPEARS.

FRANK MILLER ONLY TOOK AWAY BITS OF OUR STORY THAT HE COULD STAND. HE LEFT OUT ALL THE REALLY GOOD PARTS. NOW THAT ZACK SNYDER GUY...HIM WE COULD DISEMBOWEL, EASY.

WE DO NOT KNOW OF "OGRES" AND "NINJAS," BUT THE PERSIANS DID MAKE THE BATTLEFIELD GLORIOUSLY SLIPPERY AT THERMOPYLAE.

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NO RETREAT, NO SURRENDER. THAT IS SPARTAN LAW. AND BY SPARTAN LAW, WE WILL STAND AND FIGHT AND DIE. A NEW AGE HAS BEGUN. AN AGE OF FREEDOM, AND ALL WILL KNOW THAT 300 SPARTANS GAVE THEIR LAST BREATH TO DEFEND IT!
...
WAIT, WHAT?!?!?

Why is the sky?

What do you think of Stan and Kyle? I think they suck, how about you?

Has your mom ever tried to control you by having a dog trainer discipline you?

Did you ever go to fat camp? I think fat camp sucks, how about you?

Did you ever pretend you're retarded so you can win first place at the Special Olympics?

Do you want to buy the pubes off of me that I bought from someone else?

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I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your ***** ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!