The Official "Ask a Spartan" Thread, You Pansies!

**KING LEONIDAS** · #1 Yesterday, 09:43 PM

IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT SOME OF YOU WEAKLINGS DESIRE TO KNOW ABOUT SPARTANS! SO YOU MAY ASK YOUR LIMP-WRISTED QUESTIONS HERE AND I MAY DEIGN TO ANSWER THEM.

DO NOT VEX ME!! I MAY ANSWER A FOOLISH QUESTION WITH THE ONLY APPROPRIATE SPARTAN ANSWER: A XIPHOS IN YOUR GUT!

YOU SHOULD ALSO READ THE GLORIOUS, IF NOT VIOLENT ENOUGH, COMIC BOOK OF OUR GLORIOUS MILITARY EXPLOITS.

PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!

NelStone · #2 $Add Infraction for NelStone$ Yesterday, 11:36 PM

I was told this isn't Madness, Ohio. What is this? Also, where's a good place to eat for dinner?

G. Wen · #3 $Add Infraction for G. Wen$ Yesterday, 11:46 PM

Uuuummmm, O.K., I have a question. If I wake up one morning with some guy's thingie in my mouth, but it got there accidently, does that make me gay? I don't think it makes me gay.

**Xurk** · #4 Yesterday, 11:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by G. Wen

Uuuummmm, O.K., I have a question. If I wake up one morning with some guy's thingie in my mouth, but it got there accidently, does that make me gay? I don't think it makes me gay.

It depends... were you giving a thumbs-up while smiling at the camera?

My question: what is the best place for me to dine tonight, you know, like men?

**Brain Gremlin** · #5 Today, 12:04 AM

I have a dilemma, and I've heard this "Spartan" fellow is good at postulating solutions, so I will turn to him.

I'm currently riding on the wing of an airplane, and I don't like airplanes, so I've been taking apart said airplane for the last fifteen minutes. Unfortunately, there is this really annoying man who won't stop trying to interfere. He keeps screaming to the stewardess that I'm out there, over and over. I think he wants me to stop, which is quite rude as my business and his are separate, even if they are eventually going to overlap when the plane finally crashes. Really, none of the other passengers seem to mind or even notice; why should that entire plane have to please HIM?

SuperDudeX · #6 $Add Infraction for SuperDudeX$ Today, 12:33 AM

Hey spartan,

Have you ever met the Master Cheif?

EinBebop · #7 $Add Infraction for EinBebop$ Today, 01:26 AM

I've never dined in hell. What are the specials?

G. Wen · #8 $Add Infraction for G. Wen$ Today, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EinBebop

I've never dined in hell. What are the specials?

Satan throws excellent luau parties with themed food.

**KING LEONIDAS** · #9 Today, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NelStone

I was told this isn't Madness, Ohio. What is this? Also, where's a good place to eat for dinner?

NELL'S DINER AT THE CORNER OF 3RD AND LAKE IS A VERY NICE FAMILY RESTAURANT. QUEEN GORGO AND I LIKE TO BRING THE CROWN PRINCE THERE BECAUSE THEY NEVER SAY ANYTHING WHEN HE ASKS TO DRAW ON THE PLACEMATS WITH CRAYONS AND THE BLOOD OF HIS ENEMIES. THEY SERVE BREAKFAST FOODS ALL DAY LONG WHICH IS GREAT WHEN YOU HAVE A REAL CRAVING FOR WAFFLES AT 4:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. AVOID THE GREEK SALAD, THOUGH, BECAUSE REMARKABLY FEW GREEKS HAD TO DIE TO MAKE IT.

Quote:

Originally Posted by G. Wen

Uuuummmm, O.K., I have a question. If I wake up one morning with some guy's thingie in my mouth, but it got there accidently, does that make me gay? I don't think it makes me gay.

WHETHER YOU ARE GAY OR NOT DOES NOT MATTER. WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOU ARE HARD AND STRONG AND READY TO DIE BATHED IN THE ENTRAILS OF YOUR FOES. ARE YOU READY TO DIE TODAY?

ARE YOU?!?!?!?!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Xurk

My question: what is the best place for me to dine tonight, you know, like men?

REALLY, YOU HAVE TO BE PRETTY MANLY NOT TO HURL WHEN YOU EAT HERE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brain Gremlin

Really, none of the other passengers seem to mind or even notice; why should that entire plane have to please HIM?

IT DEPENDS. IF HE IS A SPARTAN, THEN IT IS THE ENTIRE PLANE'S HONOR TO PLEASE HIM. IF YOU ARE A SPARTAN, THEN THE ENTIRE PLANE SHOULD BE HONORED THAT YOU CHOSE THEIR WING TO TEAR APART. IF YOU ARE BOTH SPARTANS, THEN WHY ARE YOU DISAGREEING WHEN THERE IS AN ENTIRE PLANELOAD OF PEOPLE READY AND WAITING TO BE HACKED TO PIECES FOR COMPLAINING? SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS UP WITH PEOPLE NOW? ALL KING LEONIDAS EVER HEARS ON PLANES IS HOW THERE'S NO FOOD AND NO COMPLIMENTARY DRINK CART AND NO PILLOWS OR BLANKETS. IF ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE SPARTANS, WE WOULD HAVE THROWN THEM OFF A CLIFF TO THE SEA!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SuperDudeX

Have you ever met the Master Cheif?

NO, BECAUSE THE PALACE ONLY HAS A PLAYSTATION 3, LINUX COMPUTERS, AND A WII BECAUSE THE QUEEN LIKES WII FIT WITH THE BATTLEFIELD MODIFICATIONS. WE DO NOT ALLOW SOFTWARE FROM MICROSOFT IN OUR KINGDOM BECAUSE IT IS WEAK AND SOFT, EVEN THOUGH WE ALL APPRECIATE THE BLOODLUST IN BILL GATES WHEN HE WOULD CRUSH HIS OPPONENTS.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EinBebop

I've never dined in hell. What are the specials?

THE SPECIALS CHANGE DAILY, SO MAKE SURE TO ASK YOUR SERVER ABOUT THE CATCH OF THE DAY AND THE GRILL SPECIALS. IT'S NOT A SPECIAL, BUT TRY THE CHICKEN CORDON BLEU. I RECOMMEND A CHATEAUBRIAND '63 TO ACCOMPANY IT.

ShawnHopkins · #10 $Add Infraction for ShawnHopkins$ Today, 06:21 AM

How can I get abs like a Spartan?

Hanshotfirst113 · #11 $Add Infraction for Hanshotfirst113$ Today, 06:40 AM

How Can I Get A Woman Like Lena Heady? Do You See The Capital Letters And The Veins In My Neck? I'm A Spartan! I Have To Scream All Of My Lines!

rggkjg1 · #12 $Add Infraction for rggkjg1$ Today, 06:40 AM

how come frank miller hasn't written anything good in 22 years?

**KING LEONIDAS** · #13 Today, 07:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ShawnHopkins

How can I get abs like a Spartan?

WANDER INTO THE WOODS ALONE AT THE AGE OF 9 WITH NOTHING BUT A CLOAK AND A SPEAR YOU CARVED YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN SURVIVE FOR THE NEXT 2 YEARS, LIVING OFF THE LAND, KILLING YOUR FOOD AND YOUR CLOTHING, FIGHTING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR YOUR MISERABLE, HELLISH EXISTENCE, THEN YOU WILL REALIZE THAT THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION AND ALL THAT MATTERS IS BLOODLUST AND BATTLE AND SURVIVAL. ALL ELSE IS VANITY.

PLUS, CRUNCHES. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CRUNCHES.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hanshotfirst113

How Can I Get A Woman Like Lena Heady? Do You See The Capital Letters And The Veins In My Neck? I'm A Spartan! I Have To Scream All Of My Lines!

YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT A SPARTAN. IF YOU WERE A SPARTAN, YOU WOULD NOT NEED TO ASK HOW TO GET A WOMAN LIKE LENA HEADEY BECAUSE SUCH WOMEN WOULD BE FLINGING THEMSELVES AT YOU HEADLONG WITHOUT RESERVATION UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED, AT WHICH POINT THEY WILL STOP OR ELSE YOUR SPARTAN WIFE WILL SLAUGHTER THEM LIKE CATTLE, CUTTING THEM DOWN LIKE WHEAT BEFORE THE SCYTHE.

SO, HOW YOU GET A WOMAN LIKE LENA HEADEY IS:

1. BE A SPARTAN
2. DON'T BE ONE OF THOSE SOFT ATHENIANS WHO KEEPS THINKING THERE IS SOME BIG SECRET TO GETTING A WOMAN LIKE LENA HEADEY. THEY'RE ALL BOY-LOVERS THERE ANYWAY.
3. BE A SPARTAN!!!!!

PLUS, CRUNCHES. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CRUNCHES. WOMEN LIKE LENA HEADEY LIKE ROCK-HARD ABS. SEE THE ANSWER TO THE PREVIOUS QUESTION TO FIND OUT THE SPARTAN AB WORKOUT.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rggkjg1

how come frank miller hasn't written anything good in 22 years?

BECAUSE HE IS NOT A SPARTAN!!!!!!!!!!!

Hanshotfirst113 · #14 $Add Infraction for Hanshotfirst113$ Today, 09:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KING LEONIDAS

WANDER INTO THE WOODS ALONE AT THE AGE OF 9 WITH NOTHING BUT A CLOAK AND A SPEAR YOU CARVED YOURSELF. IF YOU CAN SURVIVE FOR THE NEXT 2 YEARS, LIVING OFF THE LAND, KILLING YOUR FOOD AND YOUR CLOTHING, FIGHTING EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR YOUR MISERABLE, HELLISH EXISTENCE, THEN YOU WILL REALIZE THAT THIS IS A STUPID QUESTION AND ALL THAT MATTERS IS BLOODLUST AND BATTLE AND SURVIVAL. ALL ELSE IS VANITY.

PLUS, CRUNCHES. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CRUNCHES.

YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT A SPARTAN. IF YOU WERE A SPARTAN, YOU WOULD NOT NEED TO ASK HOW TO GET A WOMAN LIKE LENA HEADEY BECAUSE SUCH WOMEN WOULD BE FLINGING THEMSELVES AT YOU HEADLONG WITHOUT RESERVATION UNTIL YOU ARE MARRIED, AT WHICH POINT THEY WILL STOP OR ELSE YOUR SPARTAN WIFE WILL SLAUGHTER THEM LIKE CATTLE, CUTTING THEM DOWN LIKE WHEAT BEFORE THE SCYTHE.

SO, HOW YOU GET A WOMAN LIKE LENA HEADEY IS:

1. BE A SPARTAN
2. DON'T BE ONE OF THOSE SOFT ATHENIANS WHO KEEPS THINKING THERE IS SOME BIG SECRET TO GETTING A WOMAN LIKE LENA HEADEY. THEY'RE ALL BOY-LOVERS THERE ANYWAY.
3. BE A SPARTAN!!!!!

PLUS, CRUNCHES. LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS OF CRUNCHES. WOMEN LIKE LENA HEADEY LIKE ROCK-HARD ABS. SEE THE ANSWER TO THE PREVIOUS QUESTION TO FIND OUT THE SPARTAN AB WORKOUT.

BECAUSE HE IS NOT A SPARTAN!!!!!!!!!!!

You're still a virgin, aren't you?

Darklordavaitor · #15 $Add Infraction for Darklordavaitor$ Today, 09:13 AM

Can I have a dolla?

**Brain Gremlin** · #16 Today, 10:46 AM

I have noticed "crunches" seems to be the solution many many times for you. But answer me this: What if you find something that doesn't go "crunch," but goes "squish" instead? What do you do then?

Kitschensyngk · #17 $Add Infraction for Kitschensyngk$ Today, 11:46 AM

BEEF will CRUSH SPARTA!!!

**Amazing Spidey** · #18 Today, 01:59 PM

How do Spartans feel about afternoon tea?

CartoonOverlord · #19 $Add Infraction for CartoonOverlord$ Today, 02:05 PM

Rorschach's Journal
April 1, 1999
Are you a homosexual? Sure look like one.

**Brain Gremlin** · #20 Today, 02:50 PM

Who is this Broly fellow in all the banner ads? He looks like the kind of person you would know.