My family gets real trees, by the
way...none of that fake garbage. It does help to live in Oregon,
where the majority of the country's Christmas trees are grown and
shipped from....you can chop them directly from the farms and pay
$30, as opposed to paying $50 more and feeding a bunch of
middlemen in any other state.
||My mother has a
hardening-dough recipe and every year since 1993 I've
been making my own ornaments out of it. One of the first
ones I made was of WALDO. The idea is to
try to Find Waldo somewhere on the tree every year. The
inaugural year had more ornaments than that, but the
Siamese who is no longer with us sat on and crushed the
majority of them. Stupid cat.
BEAR/PANDA/THING: A lot of my parents' ornaments
have this quality where you stare at them and exclaim,
"This is the cuuutest thing ever!" Then after a
few more seconds you say, "So what is it supposed to
be anyway?" This one is also perfectly
round, making it suitable for throwing across the room at
||His homebase is the
Christmas tree, FREAKAZOID! FREAKAZOID! This
one was actually made in 1995 during the first season of
the show. They were still making episodes at that time,
but I was the only one in my entire grade who watched
them. I couldn't get anyone else to watch this, ever. Now
I talk to people about WB cartoon shows and they say,
"Oh, I loved Freakazoid best!" Really, now...do
you? They all got this opinion from watching the Cartoon
Network repeats, and it could just make me scream. WHERE
WERE ANY OF YOU PEOPLE WHEN THE RATINGS MATTERED?
HUGGBEEEEEEES!!! (Sorry, had to throw that in.)
Hobbes" is still one of my favorites. I
made this in 1996 after suffering Calvin withdrawl for a
year. I thought the concept would date itself by the 21st
century, but the sight has remained timely.
||I consider this one the GREATEST
TREE ORNAMENT IN ALL OF EXISTENCE. The proof is
right in front of you. It's a stupid construction paper
tree I made in first grade because the teacher told me
to, and spelled out boldly in glitter are the words: OH
I insist that
this go up every single year. You can make anything
better by adding "OH YEAH!" in glitter to it.
That's a fact.
I remember getting this on Christmas Day in 1986. They
were sold by McDonalds that year and naturally came with
gift certificates inside. Mine also had some very 80's
black-and-neon pencils stuck in it. Ever since then, it's
been an ornament, and it wasn't what it was intended to
be used for but I like it anyway.
ORNAMENT: Well, naturally you saw this one
HOLDING SOMETHING BEHIND HIS BACK AND LOOKING UP IN THE
AIR LIKE HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING BEHIND HIM: What's
he planning anyway? I looked, and it's.....a big heart. A
big heart FILLED WITH CRACK!!
I wasn't going to put Dexter up this year, but someone
else saw the ornament and yelled, "DEXTER!! HE'S
COOL, PUT HIM UP!" Very well, he's cool, so there he
|At first glance this is
just a cat, but upon closer inspection of his tag you
realize this is OLIVER from Disney's Oliver
and Company. Oliver came out of a Happy Meal and
used to play a festive tune when you squeezed his
stomach. But that was in 1988. Oliver may be a small
ornament, but he's got streeeeet savoir-faire, and thusly
gets a permanent spot in the lineup.
||This is my runner-up for Greatest
Ornament Ever, and I always insist it go right
near the top, next to the all-important Bethlehem Star.
It's a frickin' MOOSE MADE OF COTTON BALLS!!! The Three
Wise Men would have had to kneel before this thing too.
And you attach it with a wooden clothespin! It's not
going to last forever, though.
And no, it's not Rudolph....it's a moose.
We have two ornaments that are advertisments for
M&M's, from two different eras. The left one is from
the era when the living Ms were as cute as they could
possibly try to be and Mars Inc. tried to pass the
product off as some kind of miracle. I'm glad I've never
seen that campaign return, and that the updated M&Ms
with personalities and a sense of humor have stayed with
"HE DOES EXIST!!"
"They DO exist.....ooohhhh..."
His sword only looks fat because you're seeing both sides
of the dough edges. And so what if his shield is
lopsided? Excuuuuuse me, Princess.
HORSE: Back when we had cats(and the Siamese who
ruined several of my ornaments), we would put these soft
stuffed ones on the bottom, so they would have something
to harmlessly bat around and leave the higher things
alone. An even greater challenge was keeping them from
drinking the water, or "using" the tree.
She's got a pointy hat and recently gave birth; that's
all I know.
|You know who this is,
right? I don't really have to tell you.
What do you MEAN you don't know?
You're sad. It's Gromit. GRO...MIT, from
Wallace and Gromit. Isn't it obvious?
||And you know this guy,
WAKKO WARNER, from Animaniacs. You remember Animaniacs,
don't you? NO, not the one with the crazy guy, that was
Freakazoid. How can you remember Freakazoid but not this?
As far as I know, you WEREN'T WATCHING.
Over the years I've made a full
Peanuts Gang lineup, starting with Charlie Brown and Lucy in
1993. I was using the gingerbread man cutout back then, and had
to fit whatever I was making into the shape. The official name of
the Lucy ornament as written on the back is "Lucy At
Christmas With A Bigger Dress."
Surfing" could have only come from one
state.....Rhode Island. (Not really.) "HEEEY, YOU
BUST ONE DA'KINE DIVE, BRAH! HO HO HO!"
|One of my newest
ornaments is Stewie. A little girl asked
who that was and I didn't really know what to say because
I figured she was too young to watch Family Guy.
Of course, then she asked if it was a South Park
||And finally, ta top it
all off....A MICROSCOPIC MOUSE PLAYING A HARP!
It's good, but it's no cotton moose.