CAN BATMAN SURVIVE WITHOUT SCOOBY DOO???

Not likely. Without Scooby, he can kiss his bat-rear goodbye. Of course I'm exaggerating, but it's never been a bleaker time for Batman. Thanks to Spider-Man, superhero movies are once again superhot...but if you notice, nobody wants to make Batman 5. That's because people still remember number 4. They're still making Batman video games, but the newest one is based on the original comic book and not on the excellent TV series. Bad idea--the comic is stupid. You may not remember it being stupid, but that is why I am here, pal. I have a total of three Batman comics in the cardboard box filled with comic books in my basement. That is one more than my total of Harvey comics--I hated both. Of course, having those at all was odd, considering two factors: 1)I rarely bought superhero comics because I was more interested in humorous stuff; 2)My mom never let me BUY superhero comics anyway because she was convinced they would turn me into a serial rapist. But the problem was, there wasn't much out there when I was a kid that was truly funny. I once walked into a comic book shop and asked the teenager working there, "Show me something funny." He said, "Hey, try Ralph Snart! Ralph Snart's funny." My mom read three pages of "Ralph Snart" and practically strangled the guy who sold it to me. All I remember about Ralph was that he was grumpy, short and drank a lot of beer. I bought a lot of Archie trash, but did that ever make me laugh? Rarely. That series was interesting in the early 90's anyway due to the wave of retooled versions of the Archie gang that hit the market--you had them as time travellers, government investigators, dimension warpers, cross-country contesters....it was just a blast back then. But none of these apparently sold--they all lasted 10 issues at the most. Eventually they went back to the same old same old, but by that time it was 1996 and I was too old for them anyway. I feel sorry for the kids reading Archie NOW. They needed to bring back Sassy Thrasher, not Cheryl Blossom.

Anyway, I'm really digressing. Didn't I come here to talk about Batman? Yes, I did. Well, I was telling you how the comic sucked. Remember this neat picture of Bane from another page? Well, this is usually how it went. Batman wasn't the tough badattitude he was in the TV show, he was this whiny, miserable guy who happened to dress like this. TV Batman's life was exciting, comic Batman's life is absolutely miserable. I don't see him fighting back at all. Not here, nor in any of the 3 comics I own. He's always at the total mercy of some crazy guy who's killed 9 people already in that one issue, causing every good guy to weep and weep and then Batman to go, "No, this reminds me of my PARENTS!! NNNOOOO, WHY DID THEY DIE??? AAAAAAACK!!!!!"

So, needless to say, the comic is not only wimpy, it's depressing 90 percent of the time. Geez, Bruce, get over it. Oh, right...if he ever DOES get over it, he won't have the motive to be Batman anymore. And then no more issues. That's the problem. Other problems with the comic: In the issues I have, he's dating Vicki Vale. Vicki Vale? I thought she was made up for the Batman movie, like they made a lot of other stuff up(Joker didn't kill Bruce's parents; some nobody thug did). I guess I didn't remember this; looking at the issues now I'm surprised. I don't like Vicki. Batman's love interest should be as wacky as his life(Catwoman). Vicki's too normal for him. Vicki is also off-model in half the panels she appears in, but I know the reason for this...comic artists don't get paid a steady salary, but instead get paid on how many pages they complete for the company. I still consider the 1992 TV series the best rendition of Bats in history; the comic doesn't even come close. Barbara Gordon should be leaping around as Batgirl(like in the show), not paralyzed and squeaking around in the Batcave typing at computers as Oracle(like in the comic, and on "Birds of Prey.") And I WANT HARLEY!! I won't get her though. She was actually created for the TV series and won't appear in anything that's not related to that. I imagine if Harley Quinn were ever added to the comic, thousands of Comic Book Guys would scream, "NNNNOOOO!!!! SHE'S TOO GOOFY!!! THE DARK IMAGE OF JOKER IS DESTROYED!!!!" Tough. I love Harley. She'll probably inspire a character in Platypus Comix someday--it would be a lot of fun to have this girl who'd genuinely crazy running around. But if they do say that, then they should explain why the comic CAN'T have Harley, but it can have this dude:

He also appeared on the TV show and it looked strange there too. Scarface isn't even a real person. He's a puppet, animated by the Ventriloquist, this nervous guy who doesn't even want to do half the stuff Scarface does, but obeys him anyway. Scarface is actually Ventriloquist's second personality. But why is this thing leading a whole GANG of mobsters? If I was a criminal and I saw this puppet come up to me and ask me to join his army, I guess it would be an offer I couldn't refuse. And he galks like gis.

If Joel Schumacher hadn't been arrested for making Batman 4, he would have put Scarface in Batman 5, I'm pretty sure. Mr. Freeze and Poison Ivy were already some of the more goofy people Batman has to face; when they showed up in one movie you KNEW it was going to be bad. But while we're on interesting villains, why didn't Batman ever have to face the kid from the ad on the back of this comic book?

Rad Racer II was Squaresoft's last non-Final Fantasy related game before they realized what a cash cow Final Fantasy was. Anyway, this guy would have made a better villain than Scarface. He could call himself Sonic Underwear Boy, and race around at a blurring speed in a circle, trapping Batman while he kneeled in the center in this fetal position sucking his thumb and going, "Oh, the angst! The ANGST!! Why, why?? Why did I fail my parents and Barbara and TWO consecutive Robins??? OH THE ANGST!!!" And Underwear Boy could even galk like gis! OR, Batman could face.... ELONGATED MAN!!!!!!!

After the Scarface story ended, they printed an ad for some comic called "Elongated Man goes to Europe." This guy should team up with Ivy. She could make pod people from plants and Pillsbury mix, and he could...uh, elongate them and then they would terrorize Gotham. Let's see....what else can I find? Oh yes, there are a couple of more things worth mentioning.....

Most of the issues I have are from 1990 when they were introducing Robin #4. Robin #1 grew up and got a solo superhero career. Robin #2 died. Robin #3 didn't have to, but they left it up to the readers by setting up this hotline: "1-800-ROBIN-LIVES" or "1-800-ROBIN-DIES." He died. #4 was just added. In this one comic I've got he dons his Robin costume for the first time. I don't know if that makes it worth anything. I've got something else interesting, in the Scarface comic:

If I'm not mistaken they introduced Renee Montoya in this one, the Latino cop. She was on the TV show as well. But she doesn't LOOK Hispanic in this one, and they mispelled her first name even! This is weird. Anyway, bottom line: can Batman survive without Scooby Doo? Not if they decide to follow the comic from now on and not the awesome TV series. Not even if they make Batman have gis weird goice. The emphasis on the show was more on action and an edgy mood, not on depressing you and making the hero this nerd. Peter Parker is supposed to be a nerd; Bruce Wayne is not. Get it right, you guys. Oh yeah, and while I've brought up Spider-Man again: at the time when I got these comics, Batman was extremely cool and Spider-Man was extremely not cool. If you had to buy a Marvel comic, it HAD to be X-Men and nothing else. Nobody liked Spider-Man in the early 90's, thus they had to overuse that guy Venom and had him slobber everywhere, because he was the only thing attracting any attention. Of course, now it's completely opposite: Spidey is red-hot and Batman is red-not. But stuff happens.