Can you hear the rumbling in the distance, getting closer? For the first time since 2005, the next generation of video game consoles is about to inherit the Earth! Within weeks Sony and Microsoft will be revealing tantalizing tidbits about the future of gaming! What has the ongoing march of progress brought us THIS time? You could wait for them....or you could get the hot info now! We've scored exclusive screenshots from the first-year lineup, and TEN new titles will be revealed here for the first time! And when your friends ask what reputable source leaked this information, tell them a website called "Platypus Comix" got it out first!
Surprise! You thought all the next gen had to offer would be Halo and Call of Duty, but Electronic Arts is taking the ultimate risk by daring to launch a brand-new, never-before-seen IP! This refreshing NEW series puts you behind the trigger of a machismo super-soldier with a gruff attitude! Follow him and his squadron through unseen environments, from brown-colored wasteland to brown-colored wasteland! Turn on the BRAND-NEW multiplayer and get wasted by cheating, foul-mouthed toddlers! You'll want to buy every DLC pack and dinky download tied to this revolutionary instant classic, destined to produce 15 sequels, three of which are in pre-production now!
TOMB RAIDER: NEW
After the disastrous sales
numbers of the last game (just 5 million in one month!) the only
thing to do was reboot and start fresh with this innovative new
take on the Lara Croft mythos, adjusted to meet the demands of
today's market. You play Larron Croft, male space marine, tasked
with finding the Seven Power Bars of Testosterone before the evil
aliens or the
Chinese North Koreans beat you to
them! On your way, are you MAN enough to collect all 157 assault
bazookas from your fallen enemies to unlock Easier Mode? ($1.75
surcharge for each gun collected.) Game is co-op only.
PISTOL PACKIN' JEDI (Electronic Arts, Disney)
Lightsabers? No way!
Midichlorians are for namby-pambies and women! REAL power comes
from the satisfying clicks and bangs of a 20-pound cold steel
assault machine! As Smashermaxx Skywalker, son of Luke revealed
for the first time in this game, dodge and fire your way through
multiple yet similar-looking planetary metropolises! Once you've
killed 375,850 intelligent beings, only then will you be
considered a true Jedi of the Order!
Available in either disc form (suggested for your parents), or for you hipper folk, stream it from The Cloud at a cost of $8 per month to keep the game playable!
HEDGEHOG 2K14 (Sega)
This dramatic new re-envisioning of one of gaming's most classic characters is the most EXTREME one yet! After suffering a bite from a radioactive man, Sonic gains the ability to assume Wereman form! Dr. Eggman better watch his back as Sonic trades his running shoes for heavy boots and barrages through a cyberpunk world of tall grey walls! Blast your way (in shooting terms, not running terms) through the single-player mode, or team up/battle in multiplayer with Tails the Man, Knuckles the Man, Amy the Woman, Cream the Hermaphrodite, and Big the Morbidly Obese Person! Look out for the special cameo from NiGHTS....if you can recognize him.
SHADOW OF THE
COLOSSUS 2: UP YOUR ARSENAL (Sony)
After eight-plus years in development, the long-awaited sequel to Team Ico's Shadow of the Colossus (formerly known as The Last Guardian) has finally been unveiled! And you'll be happy to know the sissy girly "flying pet thing" theme has been dropped in favor of something less risky and more likely to recoup the years of investments! Our new hero is Jack McStallion, who together with his elite team of super-soldiers, marches through a craggy brown wasteland on a mission to find and destroy seven gigantic beasties the best way they know how: by shooting at them! A lot!
Game requires an Internet connection pingback at all times, or else your save will be erased and the disc will self-destruct.
SHERMAN: THE MOVIE: THE GAME (Activision)
From the upcoming Dreamworks animated movie comes the exciting new game! Play as Peabody the dog or his boy Sherman, armed to the teeth with machine guns, grenades, cannons, lazer vaporizers and those glaive-things from "Krull." Travel through time, learning facts about history while changing it by murdering countless ancestors. The final game may feel slightly different from the movie for marketing reasons.
What do you mean "whatever happened to platformers"? What are you, a female gamer? No one wants you around anymore! Get back in the kitchen! Video games are strictly a MAN'S medium! RARRR! Bite head off bat!
You asked for it! You begged for
it! Now Square introduces the long-awaited remake of Earth's most
popular Final Fantasy title, exclusively for next-gen systems!
This exciting first-person shooter puts you in the mind of Cloud
Strife, ex-member of SOLDIER who's got an axe to grind against
the Shinra Corporation! And grind he does through 15 Midgar
warehouses, dismembering all in his path with his automatic
weaponry! But are his guns, missiles, chainsaws and chainsaw gun
missiles enough to take down master boss Sephiroth and the
fearsome space creature Jenova? Let's hope so, as he makes this
trek completely alone, with no company but his one-liners!
Every disc will come with a special demo of Final Fantasy XIII-VII.
(313, Microsoft Studios)
As Master Chief, use your in-game Microsoft Surface to coordinate your attack plans with the precision swipe of a finger! With the power of Windows 8 behind you, the greatest operating system ever created, no nasty creature in the universe can stand in your way! Direct the action with your XBox controller or the slippery non-buttons of your smartphone screen -- it's your choice! An innovative new Break Time System pauses the action every five minutes, so you can catch your breath while you view the latest products and junk food for sale! And the technology of Kinect makes it possible to purchase any item on the screen instantly by just saying "XBox, buy!" Or sneezing!
NEW SUPER MARIO
BROS. OLD (Nintendo)
Coming this fall -- the Wii U's killer app! New Super Mario Bros. Old is an exciting new revision of the 1985 classic -- except the graphics are the same, the level placement is the same, the enemies are the same and the number of levels is identical! In this innovative new title Mario can collect the Power Mushroom to increase in size, and the Fire Flower to shoot fireballs at his foes! Can you traverse all eight Castles and discover which one holds the Princess?
Only Nintendo has the boldness to break the FPS mold, and only the Wii U can deliver an experience this mindblowing! (Editor's note: this is the system's only new title for the next three months.)