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Last Thursday evening Dream Nintendo, the world-famous video game company, addressed members of the press and various investors at a special press conference in Dream Tokyo. The subject at hand was the secretive details behind their hotly anticipated next console, the Dream Switch. CEO Dream Kimishima took to the stage at approximately 8 PM Pacific time and introduced himself to the crowd.
Kimishima briefly acknowledged that Dream Nintendo's previous console, the Wii U, was not a success by any sense of the word, and admitted a large portion of the blame lied with Dream Nintendo's antiquated and insular approach to their own market -- policies he claimed the company has now learned from. Kimishima told the crowd the Dream Switch marked a new beginning for the company, and to prove it, he produced the first of his special guests joining him that night: the lead engineer at Intel, who introduced a brand-new, high-intensity, cutting-edge chip that up to this point had never been seen before. The engineer said excitedly that the chip would make its market debut inside the Dream Switch and deliver graphics twice as advanced as the PS4 Pro, at a blazing 60 frames a second. An awe-inspiring tech demo accompanied this announcement.
Dream Kimishima assured the crowd that as overpowered as the new chip was, they needn't worry about short battery life. The chip was designed to be as energy-efficient as it was powerful. Kimishima boasted that R&D was able to get an average of 8 to 10 hours per charge on the Dream Switch.
Upon this point, Kimishima acknowledged that kind of power does not come cheap. But, he pointed out, neither does coming out on top. Dream Nintendo was employing a new strategy, dipping into their warchest to spend an unprecedented amount of cash during the development cycle...and additional billions would be spent within the Dream Switch's first year. "We will not be making a profit in the next fiscal year," said the CEO, "but it is the sacrifice we have to make in order to catch up and become competitive again."
On that note, Dream Kimishima revealed the Dream Switch's market price: it was coming out March 3, at an MSRP of just $200! The crowd erupted in cheers.
Dream Reggie Fils-Aime, president of Dream Nintendo's American branch, then walked before the crowd, took the microphone and said "You've heard how powerful the Dream Switch is. But power is nothing without GAMES to back it up. A true video game console should appeal to all gamers: those who want our titles, and those who want the biggest titles from third parties. We're ashamed of the reputation we've built for ourselves among third-party publishers, and we're now taking aggressive steps to rectify that. THIS is a list of all the publishers now making games for Switch: EA! ACTIVISION! BETHESDA! CAPCOM! SEGA! MAYBE EVEN KONAMI!"
A slide showing the logos of every major third-party publisher appeared behind him. Dream Fils-Aime told the audience they were only seeing logos, and not game footage, because "These are NOT weak rehashes of games that have already come out for other systems. These are the HOTTEST titles of the upcoming holiday season, many of which haven't been revealed yet...and they will BE ON DREAM SWITCH the VERY DAY they become available for our rivals!" The crowd cheered again.
"But that's not all," Dream Reggie said. "I'd like to introduce you to the first of several special guests...a new friend of mine." Gasps were heard throughout the crowd as the president of Rockstar Games strutted onstage and took the mike from Reggie. "You may have heard Rockstar was reluctant to support the Switch," he began. "That was before Reggie walked into our office and plopped a bag of cash before us so big, we just couldn't say no." Brand-new footage of Red Dead Redemption 2 then appeared on the giant screen, followed by the announcement that the game would appear FIRST on Dream Switch! The thunderous applause made the entire auditorium shake.
"This is a new Nintendo. They're serious about courting the biggest AAA publishers and making sure ALL the games people want are available to buy on their machine. Dream Reggie told me their goal for the first year was to equal or surpass the variety and game quality of the SNES's library. And I believe they can do it. Their new commitment to their customers has inspired us. We're not just getting paid to make games for Nintendo, we WANT to!"
Dream Reggie took the mike back and continued. "It's true we're chasing a big audience," he said, "but we haven't forgotten our fans. There are people who came here tonight to see one thing only...new games from Nintendo. And we're going to deliver. May I introduce my next guest." A lead director from Retro Studios took to the stage.
"Many of you have been wondering when we were going to see our favorite space bounty hunter again," the man said, and the crowd cheered in anticipation. "Well, we've been working for the last several years on Metroid Prime 4, the beginning of a new trilogy in the Metroid universe. We're pleased to show off the first trailer." After the trailer played, Reggie told the attendees that Metroid Prime 4 would be out for Nintendo's Dream Switch that holiday season. He then added as an aside, "Team Ninja is never touching this franchise again," to streams of laughter.
"And now, please watch this," Reggie said as the lights dimmed and a series of trailers for new games played: Super Mario Odyssey, Xenoblade Chronicles 2, Splatoon 2, and F-Zero: Bolt, the return of Nintendo's high-speed racer after a 13-year absence. But that wasn't the only surprise for long-suffering fans: the final trailer introduced EarthBound Trilogy, a compilation of three games: EarthBound, its NES predecessor EarthBound Beginnings, and the GBA title EarthBound Revelations, previously known as Mother 3.
The last thing the audience saw before the lights came back on again was footage from the XBox One game Scalebound, which couldn't be possible, because that game had just been cancelled. Everyone finally realized what actually happened when Hideki Kamiya, director of the game, walked onstage.
"Ha! Ha! Sorry to decieve you all, but Scalebound actually moved systems," Kamiya explained. "Until now, we were not allowed to mention it. But it's alive and well! We decided the Dream Switch would be a much better fit for our game. Plus, it only made sense to begin developing for the Switch exclusively, seeing as our next two games are also system exclusives: Bayonetta 3 and Okami 2."
"You've heard a lot tonight, but not everything," Dream Reggie said. "Another special guest is here to introduce Nintendo's biggest venture yet." Steve Mayles of Playtonic Games walked into the spotlight. "Those of you who have fond memories of the Nintendo 64 also have fond memories of Rare....as do I. Rare provided a unique situation for game development in the late 90's....we were divided into teams and freed from any corporate inteference. Our motivation instead was friendly competition between the teams to produce the best game Rare could offer. Rare also provided a Western counterbalance to the very Japanese output from the rest of Nintendo, and ever since the company was sold off to Microsoft, its influence has been missed greatly.
"That's why I'm pleased to announce that Nintendo is investing in a brand-new British game development studio. Playtonic Games will be expanded into a large development studio and managed similarly to how Rare was in its prime. Yooka-Laylee will be our first title, and will be released for all systems, but after that point we will become a second party of Nintendo." Mayles hinted that a certain group of monkeys could be the subject of their second released title, and left it at that.
"Thank you, Reggie," Dream Kimishima said, taking the microphone back and returning to the center of the stage. "We have one last thing to show you. What would a Nintendo conference be without an appearance from Miyamoto?" Dream Miyamoto walked into view to much applause. "Tell us all about your new projects."
For the first three minutes Dream Miyamoto discussed Super Mario Odyssey, his next big title in the Super Mario series. He explained how Mario would travel outside the Mushroom Kingdom to many exotic locales and environments he has never appeared in before, and to aid him, he would gain the use of a special sentient cap.
"We are aiming for a Holiday 2017 release for Super Mario Odyssey, but it is not my only project at the moment," Miyamoto said in Japanese. "You may be familiar with a certain character who once signified rivalry with Nintendo, but we are friends now." A drawing of Sonic the Hedgehog appeared on the big screen, and people assumed Miyamoto was about to talk about the next Olympic Games title. But he surprised everyone by saying, "Nintendo and Sega are working jointly to produce the next Sonic game, and I am personally guiding the production."
"Over the last decade and a half, Sega has had trouble translating the fast gameplay of the Sonic series to three dimensions," Miyamoto explained. "So they asked me if it would be possible to lend my talents to solve this problem. I agreed it would be a fine challenge, and these are the results of my work." A demo from a new Sonic game appeared onscreen, and the audience was floored. Every annoying problem that existed in the 3D Sonic titles was gone. The camera problems were nonexistent. Sonic could choose multiple paths to run down, each filled with stunts and secrets to discover (the kind that didn't slow him down). And the level demonstrated looked so fun to play that audience members knew they would come back to it again and again.
A sizzle reel of additional titles appeared: Super Bomberman R, Beyond Good and Evil 2, a port of Final Fantasy XV with the second half of the overworld now accessible on foot, and Pokemon Snap 2, which looked to be an open-world game in contrast with the on-rails original. Dream Kimishima cleared his throat to deliver the final portion of his message.
"With all you have seen tonight, I'm sure you all can't wait to rush to your nearest Dream Store to preorder the Nintendo Dream Switch," Dream Kimishima said. "But you may be worried about shortages. Rest assured, we have learned from that mistake as well! We have multiple factories all over the Eastern world working around the clock to produce as many Switches as possible! In fact, we will make this promise to you: the number of preorders every store receives is the number of Switch units that store will be delivered. No exceptions! If you preorder a Switch, YOU WILL GET ONE!"
"And even if you don't preorder, there will be plenty of opportunities to buy a Dream Switch off the shelf. After all, we're launching the biggest ad campaign in our history to promote this thing. There will be primetime TV ads, Internet banners, autoplaying videos, billboards, marketing stunts, demo kiosks in every mall, and paid plugs in tons of TV programs. During one week in March, every CW superhero will be cradling their own Switch and looking at it like they want to have sex with it. (Grant Gustin really overdid it, but that's beside the point.) What kind of fools would we be if we made the device impossible to buy during that period?"
"Dream Nintendo is not going anywhere and we are NEVER giving up! I can say with confidence the Nintendo Dream Switch will be our Dream Playstation 2, and not our Dream Dreamcast. Thank you and good night," Dream Kimishima said, leaving the stage. It was a presentation to remember, and every Dream Person who attended the Dream Event couldn't stop dream-tweeting about it on Dream Twitter.
The Dream Switch launches March 3 simultaneously in Dream Japan, much of Dream Europe and Dream America, where President Fey and Vice President Poehler are set to be sworn in this Friday.
