Another E3 is nearly upon us (or may be upon us already depending on when you're reading this). One of the typical activities the Internet engages in during the weeks leading up to E3 is the creation of fake rumors and the discussion of their validity. This year, someone made it easy. By going to this page, you can generate a fake Nintendo presentation schedule in seconds, then refresh the page to do it again, and again and again.
The thing about Nintendo is that they are so hard to predict that even jumbling together a bunch of random words creates something plausible, if it's described in the right way. Below are several versions of the "Nintendo Digital Event" list and my hypotheses on each one.
Metroid: Rival is the biggest wild card in this lineup. A fully online multiplayer Metroid has never been done before, and online games are rarely executed the way seen here. Players start the game, log on, and enter a random planet along with one other player. From there the goal is to battle through the area in as short a time as possible, and if you meet your rival along the way, you can battle him/her to slow them down. Team co-op is promised for a later date via an update patch.
I've never taken an interest in Mario's sports titles before, but Mario White Water Rafting Plus might just be the ticket I've been looking for. A challenging high-speed race through forty treacherous courses lined with jagged rocks that come at you at 70 MPH sounds like a great new spin on racing games, and really unlike anything else out there. Sign me up!
Nintendo is putting an odd twist on the Wii Fit brand with Wii Spandex U, which comes with its own swimsuit. The swimsuit is wirelessly attached to a sensor that measures your body fat vs. how well you fit into the suit the last time you wore it. If your body mass is even slightly above, that Japanese guy with the blocky head from the Brain Age series appears and laughs at you diabolically.
Nintendogs 2? So Nintendogs + Cats wasn't Nintendogs 2? Who can figure out the way these companies number things.
Donkey Kong Country Sun is the next DK sidescroller from Retro Studios, and this one takes place entirely in silhouette, similarly to some of the levels in Donkey Kong Country Returns. Only a trailer was shown and the timetable for release is sometime next year.
The rhythm-based game Atomic Tempo, from the same team behind Elite Beat Agents and Rhythm Heaven, looks to be more of the same.
Super Mario Bros. Life HD will take the Mario brand into a genre it's never been before: life simulation. The game shown in the trailer video looks to play very much like The Sims, yet Nintendo claims they thought it up first and independently. Build a town in the Mushroom Kingdom and watch various familar faces in the Mario series run around and interact. Having learned from the Tomodachi Life debacle, Nintendo will give shippers the freedom they've always desired to pair up any two characters they want. Want Mario and Bowser to sleep in the same bed and start having kids? You got it! This product will be rated T for Teens.
Kirby: Human Price involves Kirby sucking up and swallowing the one thing you thought he would never suck: a human being. Once Kirby becomes Human Kirby, he will only be able to maintain that form for 30 seconds at a time, and will require special conditions to do it again...but as a human, he can do things like climb ladders, run at top speed, and hold a pencil! You will need to utilize these new powers to save Dream Land and stop King Dedede, who's sucked up a human himself and is now an evil 300-pound evil monarch resembling Kenan Thompson.
Donkey Kong 3 is a new, revamped version of the arcade classic, similar to how Donkey Kong 94 on the original Game Boy expanded upon that game. Take Stanley the Bugman through over 100 challenging levels, spraying your pesticide everywhere while avoiding the wrath of the giant ape! Donkey Kong 3 will be available for download on the Nintendo eShop....LAST YEAR! Nintendo is so sneaky that they released a game BEFORE they revealed it!
Star Fox Lobster and Star Fox Ketchup are mistakenly listed here as games; they are actually examples of Nintendo's new plans to branch into the food industry.
I might as well admit they have me with 3D Donkey Kong Collection, a polygonal remake of the Donkey Kong Country trilogy programmed by TOSE. Even if there is no difference beyond graphics, said graphics look pretty big and blocky on an HD set and this remake was long overdue.
Even though the casual audience pretty much abandoned the Wii for crummy cell phone games, Nintendo takes another stab at appealing to them with the new titles Wii Argument U and Star Fox Prose. Wii Argument U is a psychology sim designed to help married couples get through intense arguments. Star Fox Prose is designed to simplify the art of poetry writing via Fox McCloud dropping in suggested rhymes and measuring pentameter (he frowns at you if you count your syllables wrong). You have the option of printing out your poetry with the Wii U-to-computer-printer cable, but good luck finding one. Both titles will be sold in one physical pack, or can be bought individually in the eShop.
Mario Snooker Pro is self-explanatory. It's made by Square for some reason.
The Legend of Zelda: Chubby Recorder is the Japanese title for what will be known here as The Legend of Zelda: Flute of Immensity. We're told this is a new 3DS game in the Wind waker cel-shaded style and that the main mystical item mentioned in the title is a flute similar to the Recorder from the original Zelda that can open any door, provided you know the right tune.
Slow Leo is a game starring a brand-new character; how often do we get those? (Fairly recently, actually, with the Splatoon Inklings and Dillon and the Pushmo guys...) Leo is a tortoise who crawls automatically; your goal is to clear the way for him as fast as possible. According to the latest Iwata Asks roundtable, Slow Leo was a Mario game at first in which Mario crawled into a Koopa shell and crawled really slowly, but they could not think of a reason why he would do this.
There are no plans to release the Star Fox bra outside of Japan.
Project Super Mario 3 has fanboys chomping at the bit, because from the brief teaser, it strongly implies itself to be a 3D remake of Super Mario 3 (because Super Mario 3D World wasn't close enough). End tagline: "THE SHOE COMES BACK 2016."
Fans are equally excited about the long-overdue return of F-Zero, but the name "3D F-Zero 3D" feels a bit redundant. Reporters asked Nintendo officials if this was the final name. The response: "It is a tentative placeholder until we determine which name will best represent our new product in all regions and cultures. But yes, it is probably the name we will go with."
In Metroid: Helpless, Samus is trapped in her ball form and the only way to get out is to ricochet around various obstacles. The gameplay is a cross between Metroid Prime Pinball and Marble Madness. Nintendo figured people would want a more traditional Metroid game for the NX, so they've also announced Metroid: Extensive Life, but it is unknown how that game will play, as only a short FMV trailer was shown.
Mario Parachuting Collection is a cheap $5 eShop title resembling the parachuting part of the original SNES Pilotwings, only Mario is there for marketing purposes.
Nintendo is receiving a lot of criticism for the reveal of Metroid: Mall Mission, a game where Zero Suit Samus skips through a shopping center buying all the designer clothes and beauty products she can get her hands on, to hopefully catch the attention of a Ken-looking Adam Malkovich. Bonus points are awarded for finding the coolest, trendiest blouses and skirts, while you can get downgraded for entering the wrong area (like a bookstore). Websites like Jezebel.com are howling for the game's cancellation, or at the least, for it to be legally banned from coming to US shores. As a contrary viewpoint, Satoru Iwata said that he felt the game was "very empowering."
More unconventional sports titles were announced today as well. Soccer Clover is a cartoony take on the sport of futbol, while in Mario Equestrianism 2 you raise and breed horses, then race them at the Mushroom Derby for trophies. It will come in two packages, one including a horse amiibo (only 500 copies of this version will be sold, ever).
One of the more unconventional pieces of software announced for the 3DS is 3D Toilet Donald, a potty training game starring Donald Duck. This will be the first game targeted at preschoolers to receive a T rating, though Nintendo and Disney Interactive are still trying to appeal to the ESRB. They insist, however, that Donald must be anatomically correct or the lesson cannot be taught properly.
Nintendo is taking the Star Fox license in new directions with the dating sim Star Fox Kiss DX! As Krystal, choose from a variety of cadets at Lylat Academy including the hunky Fox, the rogueish Falco, and the geeky Slippy! The game has already been confirmed for a Western release this fall.
Project Yoshi 8 is an unknown experiment currently underway at Nintendo that, if Miyamoto is successful, will result in the birth of a brand new innovative game genre which no one has ever seen before. All we know is that it will involve eight Yoshis, possibly being controlled at once. The project is believed to be related to Cold Vest 8.
Metroid: Hungry is a $20 Wii U sidescroller that is a tie-in with ABC Family's Young and Hungry. When Gabi falls asleep, she finds herself in a crazy new space suit and must hop, bop and shoot through 6 different worlds! Golly!
This Halloween, Nintendo teams up with cult graphic novelist and Invader Zim creator Jhonen Vasquez to bring you two of the most demented 3DS titles you'll ever see! In Kirby's Stranger Territory, Kirby wanders from Dream Land into Nightmare Land and the art style radically shifts into stylized horror! If that's not enough there will also be Gothic Laura, Vasquez's own original creation. Run along an isometric 3-D perspective as the titular 5-year-old brunette dressed in black clothing, collecting seven globs of baby guts per level to unlock the bonus challenge! Both Kirby's Stranger Territory and Gothic Laura will be released this fall for the 3DS, and together in a special package with a new 3DS paint job designed by Vasquez!
Mario 2 2 is a sequel to Super Mario 2 where Mario returns to Subcon while falling asleep due to a meal of bad mushrooms. He finds Wart has taken over the dreamworld once more and he must rescue the citizens again. But is it all really a dream...?
The Legend of Zelda: Fact of Week HD is a roguelike starring Link that will actually give you a different dungeon every day, generated by a calculation that runs on the month and the day of the week. The items you can retrieve from those dungeons are different as well, so you must complete the dungeon within one day or you may never see it again! ....shoot, I want to really play some of these.
Wii Profit U is a game designed to increase the profit of the Wii U.
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