"Hey wait a minute! I thought they said we
were about to watch a movie about Mt. St. Helens! This is clearly
about a canonized woman named Helen, and her owning Art Carney as
"St. Helen's....please tell me that typo was part of the actual title and not just HBO's mistake."
"No, Tom...that really was just a mistake. The movie title has no apostrophe."
"Rats. We can pretend, though. We can pretend!"
"Brought to you by....Michael Timothy
"He attached his full name to this? He was that proud of it?"
"No movie studio named? I guess this was too good for 'em."
"Wow, this music makes me uneasy. I think something's about to happen."
"You mean with the mountain? What are the odds in a movie called St. Helens?"
"No wonder it blew up. The ground was made of moldy graham crackers."
"Well, now we KNOW something's wrong with
the mountain. The ground's leaking peanut butter."
"I think it's processed stuff, like Jif, or Skippy.....I go for Adams, myself, no monkey business there."
"Is he gonna eat the ground peanut butter?
Not even a Choosy Mom would touch that."
"Shoot, if I'd known this movie was going to make me hungry, I woulda brought something."
"Aww....he didn't eat it."
"Wait a minute, now we're on to a different guy. Who's this guy?"
"I don't think it matters. The important thing is, he's in a helicopter and he's being attacked by birds."
"By birds? What movie is this?"
"Actually, it's shots of a helicopter flying normally, mixed with shots of a guy being flung wildly in a helicopter on the ground."
"Folks, just bear with us and try to connect these two shots together."
"Oh, well, see? Now there's
an explanation. They just really had to go to the bathroom, and
there were no cars around."
"I don't think that's bird doo....I think that's....bird."
"Wait....were the birds really rushing into the windshield so fast that they splatted into a gelatinous mass on impact? That's aerodynamically impossible!"
"I'm not hungry anymore. Why don't they show more peanut butter?"
"Harry Truman is here? I
thought he was dead by 1980."
"The mountain is resurrecting dead presidents and making birds fly at the speed of sound...it's all part of its plan."
"Not THAT Harry Truman, Crow....haven't you ever heard of the hermit who wouldn't leave his cabin before St. Helens erupted? Reporters and news crews interviewed him several times. He refused to budge."
"See what ignoring warnings will get you? Movies like this with you as the main character."
"There's the eerie music again....hey, a tree in the middle of the road! THAT'S never happened before; something must be REALLY wrong!"
"HEY JANE! COME OVER AND LOOK AT THIS!"
"THE FISH! I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT BEFORE IN MY LIFE!"
"Well, there you go. If we'd
listened to the fish, none of this would have happened."
"Fish are the highest form of life. One day we will return to the sea and become fish once more."
"The US Geological Survey has announced today that one of its own, David Jackson, will be sent to the area to investigate the continuing seismic activity."
"Oh good, help is coming.
Maybe he can stop the mountain from erupting."
"Hey yeah, that would be a twist I'd never expect! Maybe he'll defuse the mountain at the last second or something!"
"You wouldn't want to do that. Then you'd disrupt the flow of history."
"I'd live in any alternate present that doesn't have this movie in it."
"Where in the %$@# is the %@$^&&% water pitcher?? This %#@% place is shot to %^#^! How ya doin' in there, duck? Ya warm enough?"
"I don't think we're allowed
to watch this movie."
"Such an attitude Ed Norton's developed. Who hurt you, Ed? Who hurt you?"
"What I want to know is why he's talking to a dead duck! The poor old coot is going bonkers from being such a shut-in."
"He's not being serious about the duck. He's just amusing himself."
"An' what are YOU doin' just $@#%^ sittin' around here for? The %^^#@ LEAST you could do is set the table!!"
"Okay, yeah....never mind, that guy's a lunatic."
*REDNECKS LEAP OUT*
"Whoa, what's going on
"What is this all of a sudden? They haven't introduced any of these people."
"Is this the wrong reel? We're not even in the mountains anymore!"
"Who is that guy and why are they beating him up?"
"It's been a pretty dull movie; I suspect they swiped something from someone's student film after they screened it the first time and several people fell into comas."
"Oh good, he was rescued by
the geologist. The complete stranger didn't die."
"His wounds healed really fast. Is he related to that cheerleader on TV?"
"How? He's black."
"I dunno, I don't watch any TV."
*dubbed-in earthquake sounds*
"Whoa! What was that?"
"An earthquake....four-point-nine on the Richter Scale!"
"That's some calculating
"How do you gain the ability to feel numbers?"
"Maybe he ate a seismograph."
"Hey, you're that volcano dude, ain't ya? Tell me somethin', man, is that thing gonna blow?"
"I dunno, but she's sure trying to tell us something."
"She? I've been watching for
the last thirty minutes thinking that mountain was male."
"I wish we could rewind back to the opening credits...there must be a giant pair of boobs I missed."
"You know, Mt. St. Helens was once the very likeness of womanhood. A bosom, both exposed to and part of nature. But whose milk was fire and ash, lactated by sources deep within the bowels of the earth."
"I dunno, it just came to me."
"I don't understand what's going on with this place, David..."
"It's simple. Every high-rise peak is a volcano. And they're like us. Every so often, every mountain has to burp."
"I could not have explained
"Listen to the music. I think this is when she falls for him."
"You had me at burp!"
"It's awful big, Harry!"
"Never you mind that, just steer! There you go!"
"Does it go fast?"
"Like the wind, kid!"
"I think this is supposed to
endear Harry to the audience."
"Nah. I kinda liked him when he was demanding his dog set the table. He's clearly breaking the law now."
"We got customers waiting! Pick this up!"
"You pick this up yourself! I've about had it!"
"Take it easy!"
"No, YOU take it easy! YOU try waitin' on 25 tables at a time and bein' hit on by some fat guy with twenty beers in 'im! You can take your four-dollar hamburgers and shove 'em, because I QUIT!"
"Yeah! And kiss my ash,
"Wait, why would she have that shirt? The mountain hasn't exploded yet, so the area isn't famous for ash yet."
"Wow, that's weird. Maybe she just didn't want to say ass."
"Then why didn't she say derierre? No one calls the gluteus maximus the 'Ash.' Well, besides you, Joel."
"All you reporters get lost! There ain't nothin' to see here! The mountain's just smokin', that's all!"
"It's smokin' in the boys'
"Wow, he takes hermiting seriously -- he actually had a sign professionally made that says 'No One Allowed On Porch'."
"Interesting. That implies not even he's allowed there."
"I can't believe I really did that.....I want you to come home with me! I wan' you to hol' me!"
"I can't believe I ate the
"Ah, welcome to Shakey's!"
"Michael McDonald and Daryl Hannah in a role that will surprise you..."
"YOU'VE CUT ME OFF! I HAVE A LOGGING OPERATION TO RUN!"
"These roadblocks are here by the authority of the State of Washington, sir. And your logging operation will be out of here within 24 hours."
"WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT!"
"And what of the little
children and their toys?"
"Ooh, I'm so mad, I'm shaking like a bowlful of jelly!"
"Just for that, you're getting a lump of coal!"
"Okay, wait....what's going
"I don't know, I haven't been paying attention."
"Now I know how all those producers who have recorded DVD commentaries feel. Not that it excuses any of them."
"Where is he? He must be near the mountain because explosions are being set off all around him."
"He was in a helicopter earlier...I think he actually went into the crater to gather evidence."
"But...there isn't a crater yet! Where IS this?"
"I don't think you realize what you're getting these people into! Do you know what would happen if Mt. St. Helens had a major eruption, and you were anywhere near it? You'd melt! In a flash, you're a puddle!"
"Those are some great warnings, Geologist, so why did you GO THERE just now??"
"The sky will turn black, and the air will fill with ash! There won't be any more logging, because trees will be FLAT FOR MILES, like toothpicks!"
"Wow, it's almost like he
watched the film footage of the eruption before he made this
"Maybe he did?.....Nah, that's impossible."
"I understand the great god Vulcan has made his appearance in this here part of the world! Now Pamela here, she's fifteen and a virgin....now what say here, we have a ceremony at the top of this here volcano and then we HURL Pamela into Vulcan's JAWS! By this, Vulcan will be appeased and your people shall be SAVED!"
"What religion is that
"Scientology?.....nah, he's not that crazy."
"How did Spock become a god? And what does he want with 15-year-old girls?"
"I'd rather not know..."
"How dare you keep those loggers in the area! We have an ACTIVE VOLCANO on our hands!"
"Then why don't YOU leave?"
"Because I'm a scientist! I have to see a dormant volcano erupt...ALL of it!"
"Then why doesn't he wait for
"Hey, I want to see a dormant volcano erupt too. When is this thing going to blow already?"
"It's been blowing since the first minute, but I know what you mean."
"You have to get out of this area...it'll only be for a week!"
"Oh David! I really don' wanna leave you!"
"Now, now...here's lookin' at
"No! No! Take his advice! Get out of this movie as fast as you can!"
"May 18....that's the day of
the eruption, right? Please say it is."
"It must be, because they're showing in detail everything everybody is doing that morning."
"Look! Harry's going fishing! Boy, this is sure more fun to watch than a death-defying, white-knuckle escape from a huge natural explosion!"
"Those are the best special effects in the movie."
"And they aren't even moving; they're still frames of the actual eruption photos played in sequential order."
"Ha ha! So long, Harry!"
"That's what you get for having such a potty mouth!"
"At least he'll finally be reunited with Ralph Kramden."
"Here comes the Smoke
"Aw, c'mon, David, this is no time to be obeying the speed limit."
"What the...it barely touched
him! That green-screen smoke just barely grazed the bumper of
that car and it went flipping into somersaults!"
"Who BUILT that stupid car? The French?"
"Isn't he supposed to get out
"Wait a minute.......NO, they DIDN'T."
"That's seriously it?"
"We waited ninety minutes for this! NINETY MINUTES!!"
"Everybody sits around and then dies, the end?"
"Well, when you think about it, how else did you expect a movie about Mt. St. Helens to end?"
"I dunno...maybe with some kind of THRILLING ESCAPE?"
"I don't think this film had the budget for that."
"Yeah, that's clear now."
"I still can't get over it. I
don't know if I'll ever get over it. Ninety minutes of
exposition, and then when the big moment hits....he gets knocked
over by a little puff of smoke in the worst car ever built and
"And when you really think about it....trees were toppling, mud was rushing, ash was falling everywhere, and he dies from a puff of wind. A PUFF OF WIND."
"This has gotta be one of the most anticlimactic endings ever."
"Yeah, I really don't want to finish our day on an ending like this."
"So....are you thinking what
"Yeah. We'll stay for ONE MORE movie. However bad this next one is, it can't have a worse ending than what we just saw."
"A double feature? Have we ever done that before?"
"I dunno, but if I say we haven't, some crazy fan is going to flood my inbox with ten thousand correctional E-mails if I'm wrong. So...maybe."
"ROLL FILM! FIVE! FOUR! THREE! TWO! ONE!....."
"GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!"
"HELLLP! GET US OUTTA HEEEERE!!!"
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