So....I have this videotape. Here's what's on it:

THREE CLASSIC SIMPSONS EPISODES: They're ripped from syndication, but at the time I didn't want to wait to buy this stuff on DVD.

COMMERCIALS FROM OKLAHOMA IN 1994: I'm nowhere near Oklahoma; they're dubbed off one of my cousin's tapes because I just found them interesting. I thought I'd never have to see the promos for The Cosby Mysteries or The Five Mrs. Buchanans again. The oldest Buchanan's animated cutout is distanced apart from the others because she's a pain to be around--gettit??

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS: I was watching the 2004 Super Bowl when my mom shouted that we were all going to Red Robin for dinner, effective immediately. It happened right before halftime, so I put this tape in, set it on "record" and left. The malfunction happened right there in Red Robin as we were all eating, on multiple TVs...but I never heard "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST IT'S A BOOOOOB!!!" from anyone in there. In fact, I don't think anyone was even looking up. The last time my family looked at the screen, Kid Rock was attempting to dance and his closed-captioning read, "YO I LIVIN IN MY CRACKHOUSE AND I FEELIN UP MA WENCHES AND I...." Halftime spectacles are rarely good and that was the only chance I gave it.

When I got home I had no idea what happened with Janet until the next day. And then I figured, it's TV history, so why not leave it there...honestly, that's the reason. It's not like I get my kicks off staring at a blurry boob or anything.

"SPACEBALLS," "THE MUMMY RETURNS"....I can't decide which one of these is funnier.

And lastly, the tape's final ten minutes....and believe it or not, the most interesting part, at least to me. This is where I turned to a Spanish language channel and started taping. As Spanish channels go, I haven't heard much about "Telefutura" nor seen it on any cable packages. I don't know why it's been coming in for free over the air in my area, but it's there. And on Fridays at 8:03 pm, for three months, Telefutura showed a cartoon. An "Ugly Betty" cartoon. Yes, such a thing exists and this being 2004, I taped it not knowing what it was. Prepare yourself for "Betty Toons!"

That'd be Betty. Her ugliness is intentional, but it's only enhanced by some of the ugliest animation and character designs I've seen to date. For example, when a character moves fast, they only draw one blurred shot of them and let it run for a second, hoping it will look like 20 frames were in there.

Before you tell me this is a children's program, I'll have to point out the "TV-PG" in the upper left. That's still regarded as a family rating, but I'll guess that I'm missing a few innuendoes in the Spanish dialogue. I'm missing a lot, in fact. The basic plot isn't that hard to piece together, but when things get weird, they get Weird with a capital W.

This amazing episode is titled "Salven al Colegio," which translates to "Save the School"--something that'll make sense later. Betty's teacher, whose name is Professor Gulley (and appears as a dragon attacking her in the opening theme), is walking home when he passes by an appliance store and stares at the TVs whilst scratching himself.

While a newsman talks, the screen Gulley's watching shows an old man in an astronaut suit throwing money around and hollering, then turning into a motionless blur for one second as he quickly boards a space shuttle. You might remember that a few years ago several millionaires were interested in using their monetary power to buy a trip into space...though none ever did. This episode was likely made around that time. Gulley is immediately attached to the idea, but as a nameless teacher worth nothing, how could he possibly gain enough money to buy himself to the moon?

Meanwhile, Betty and a kid identified later as "Nikolas" are sitting around. Betty is examining a dead plant (in fact, she does that for the entire episode, pretty much...and her name is in the title). Nikolas has his back to the wall, but when he turns around, he reveals he has mud on his face and isn't too happy. Or it could be chocolate, and he doesn't like chocolate.

As he continues talking in Spanish, images appear in the air of him getting grapefruit in the eye, being set on fire, and getting hit by a tree. He actually looks kind of happy when he's on fire....

Back to Professor Gulley, who still isn't home yet. He passes a man yelling "Loteria Loteria Loteriaaa!" over and over. The man stops him and mentions something, then points to a ticket on the ground which sports all sevens. The man must have mentioned the possiblity of Gulley getting rich, because there goes his mind again.....

Walter Mitty, eat your heart out. I really hate to break this to him, but no matter how big that lottery jackpot is, it's NOT going to be enough to successfully launch a moon flight. In fact, I believe it would be less expensive to successfully launch a game console. It can't be that big anyway because it only uses four numbers. As he's mindlessly cavorting across another planet in his mind, he's acting like an idiot in real life, and skips across traffic....

....only waking up to see his own reflection in the grill of a semi-truck!
IS THIS THE END OF PROFESSOR GULLEY??
TURN THE PAGE TO FIND OUT!