|It's some rule of college that there has to be at least one dumb experience per class you take. It builds character, I guess. Well, I don't think I ever built more character than in art class.
Other classes had their stupid requirements; the most common being every so often having to work with a "group" on something, usually the people that were sitting next to you. 9 times out of 10, I would get stuck with a group that just stared at the paper and made me do all the thinking while I looked around and saw all the other tables chatting away about the assignment. Maybe I was just cursed this way. In my last math class, I had two girls named--really--"Lina and Sharina" that did nothing but come in late and chat with each other, then leave early. I don't know what grade they got; I just know that "group" assignments are a farce.
"Okay, we need to solve this quadratic equation for both X and Y in several places, then graph it out."
"Lina, my hair is so fresh. Smell my hair."
"WILL YOU QUIT SMELLING HER HAIR AND DO THE ASSIGNMENT??"
And then everyone turned around and stared at our table. They needed the humiliation anyway....
Anyway, I'm talking about art class. I needed to take some classes in the arts as part of my degree. But of course, when you signed up for a college art class there was a risk you would have to wind up painting....gulp....a NUDE, a LIVE NUDE right there in the room with you. (All the NetNanny browsers probably have now blocked this page because I said that word and capitalized it, but it had to be said.)
To avoid this happening, I avoided the class called "Life Drawing" even though I could draw fairly well. Instead, I took the simplest class, "Line Drawing 1." The day I walked into "Line Drawing 1," the teacher said we would be drawing a live nude in two months.
Great. In exactly two months I would also be getting a Gamecube; which would make them pretty much speed up. And indeed, the time DID go too fast. I got the Gamecube all right, but after I was done with the game I got for it, it sat in the closet for over 6 months because Nintendo wouldn't come out with anything else for it. See if I ever support YOUR launches again, guys....
But this also meant I would have to be in the same room with a.....NUUUUDE woman, aaaaaagh! The next day I crept into class and waited rather nervously for the subject to come in. I'm sure most of the other people there had seen plenty of naked people in their houses, since everybody on Planet Earth is more debauched than me except for puppeteer Shari Lewis(and she's dead, so that makes me the only one). But it wasn't exactly something I was used to. The subject came in AND...
....well, I guess being attracted to her wouldn't be a worry. In came this fat, hairy Russian woman. She looked like the person that cut the roast beef my mom bought at the supermarket butcher counter--maybe she WAS.
"Lina, smell my hair. My hair is so fresh."
*smells armpit hair* "Whoa, yeah!!"
Not that that ever happened. Mainly because neither Lina OR Sharina was in this room. Thank goodness. Anyway, we were told to use charcoal for this drawing, probably because charcoal makes the most mess when used by nervous, sweating hands.
As we started to draw this.....thing, in the buff, the teacher put some music on the player in the corner room. It was by someone named Joni Anderson and she apparently composed "modern classical music." Modern classical music makes about as much sense as today's modern art, which is probably why the teacher was playing it. This song mostly consisted of Joni saying weird sentences while freaky music played in the background. Yes, this made it a LOT more bearable. Uh, I was being sarcastic in my last sentence.
Joni: "I was carted off last night........to be the bride of President Jimmy Carter....... I was in a room with several women........we were all Jimmy Carter's wives........ but none of us had actually SEEN Jimmy Carter.....He had a plan.......He planned to open up voting to the dead.......for the more people that voted.....the more democratic.....it would.....BEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee..........."
Yes, I made sure to write down some of the stranger things she said because I knew I'd need them later as I told people about what I was doing today. She went on...."Thank you for lending me your Swiss Army knife! Thanks for letting me autograph your cat!" And I finally got my horrid picture finished. Then she reposed and we had to do it again. Did I mention this class was three hours long?
Joni went on and on, and I kept having to stare at Russian Nudie, and the charcoal was getting everywhere, and finally--silence. The CD had stopped! Well, half the nightmare was over.
That's when I realized it wasn't a CD he owned; it was from the radio. "And that was Disk 5 of Joni Anderson's 10-disk record. We now continue with Disk 6."
Disk 6 didn't even sound like Joni, but she obviously wrote the lines. Some James Earl Jones-type guy was talking instead now. "THEN I SAID, HEYYYY!!! WHO TORRRE UP ALL MY WALLPAPER SAMPLESSSSSSSS?? THEN I SAW THIS GUYYYYYYY SITTING THERRRRRRE!! AND I SAID, HOLY SMOOOOOKES!!!"
Shortly before the class ended, the radio program did, so the teacher had to put in an old Beatles tape to round out the session. I finished my last drawing, and it was hideous and chunky--but I was drawing from something that had the same qualities; what else could I do? I titled it, "HE-MAN AS A WOMAN AFTER HIS OPERATION! YOU MADE ME DRAW IT!!" I turned it in and ran out of the building.
Ya say ya want a revolution, well, ya know, we all wanna change the flow.....