I totally feel like this book cover right now, because this is the second time I've had to type this page from scratch. When I wrote another page I just deleted the text I had already saved and planned to re-save it as the next page. Yeah....didn't happen that way. It's also NOT the first thing I've accidentally deleted in the last 24 hours. This day hasn't gone well at all. But it's unprofessional to talk about stuff like this when you all came for weird book commentary.
This one is "educational" even though half the facts are about the Hulk, who doesn't exist as far as we know. On every page there are facts about animals that segue into "by the way, Hulk does something similar." For example, an ant will stop whatever it's doing if it comes across some sweet sugar. Similarly, the Hulk will cease his rampage if he's lured by a Hostess Twinkie with its Golden Sponge Cake and Cream Filling.
What's this one doing here? I thought there would always be a demand for Stan Lee's famous art instruction book. Maybe it's now considered dated because there's no manga lessons in it.
A Mary Jane novel? I hope Quesada doesn't find out about this! If people read it, they might think Spider-Man has a soulmate and not 10,000 women he juggles around like a gigolo! If Pete isn't a womanizing prick, nobody will be able to identify with him anymore! AND THEN NO ONE WILL READ MARVEL COMICS EVER AGAIIIIIN.....
Like everything else Spidey these days, this book is based in the ULTIMATE Universe: the new alternate continuity introduced in 2000 that, among other things, keeps Parker a teenager forever. This is what Steve Ditko wanted to do with him from the beginning, but Stan Lee said no. Keeping him Forever 16 has some advantages -- he stays the complete underdog he became beloved as, for one -- but on the other hand, he stays an underdog. When crossovers happen and fifty mighty superheroes charge against fifty evil supervillains, in the corner you have this pimply nerd whining about how Betty Brant won't date him just because she's in her twenties. Cool, mature Graduate Peter had no problem fitting in with the other underwear men.
These don't even look like teenagers.....they look more like Harry and Hermoine from book #1.
And the book is dedicated to YOU.
That's like marking your dedication for "anybody who has ever flushed a toilet" or "anybody who has ever been on the phone with customer service and put on hold longer than ten minutes." I guess there are some people in the Applalachian mountains whom this dedication wouldn't apply to, but other than them....
We'll get to the Weirdest You-Know-What in a moment, but first, a recommendation. My favorite childhood author was Louis Sachar. This book came out in 2006, and he hasn't lost the touch yet. It stars the big burly black dude from Holes as he tries to get his life back together, with Special Guest Star X-Ray, but the connection wasn't really necessary beyond sales reasons. You don't have to read Holes to get what's going on in it.
Small Steps is, admittedly, a slow burn at first. In fact, the entire first half is a snooze, but once you reach the middle page, you won't be able to put it down. Soon he finds his life in the balance between two fates -- romance with a pop star, or prison -- with the stakes getting higher in every chapter. Sachar is the MAN.
I almost got to meet him a few months ago. I was at a bookstore the night Sachar happened to be the star of an event there. Unfortunately I had come with other people, and had to leave when they did, but not before I heard one employee say to the other, "He's here." I was once mere yards from the Mustachioed Wizard himself.
Except he didn't
have a mustache anymore; the photo in the lobby didn't show one.
Ms. Drazil made him shave it off! She's gotta go!!