In 2008 I wrote about Bohemia Visual Music, a Portland-exclusive music video channel, as it was starting up. A lot has happened since then, so much so that I feel I have to skip the idea of a second article and keep a full-fledged blog. Why, you may ask? Well, for one thing, Bohemia's not doing it very well. But there's a bigger reason...

Think about "Fox 12." Now think about KPTV. You can hardly believe they're both the same channel, can you? When a major conglomerate who lives nowhere near here bought both KPTV and KPDX, they sucked the stations' souls out with their vampiric tentacles. They switched their network affiliations, dumped KPTV's fancy riverside studio (which was less than a decade old and is still there, vacant, every time I cross a bridge), and turned KPTV's homey local news into something as sterile as a hospital hallway.

Now think about cable TV. There used to be a lot of unique and varied channels there, eh? But today they're gradually all shifting to airing the same CSI reruns.

When things are in their infancy, experimentation is more welcomed. Once real investment and real success and real suits are involved, risks are shot down and the product becomes more generic. The DTV switch has been a blessing in disguise, because now that local stations can add decimal-point subchannels, they care little about what they put there as long as it fills a hole. You can put niche stuff there, where it's increasingly shunned on cable.

That'll change. The moment people actually pay attention to one of those subchannels, companies will notice they're there and start blanding them up too.

Bohemia will NOT last forever. It'll only stay on until someone in charge wants to use that slot to make actual money. No businessman in his right mind would back something as messed up as this. This is why every Portlander should check out Bohemia while they can. It's what television is rapidly losing -- a truly independent, do-whatever-we-darn-well-want TV station.

Bohemia is not listed on any TV listings service, but it doesn't even have a regular schedule to follow. All its material is on a server somewhere and appears at random. It's scary, and confusing, and full of typos. But to me, that's the appeal. I've never seen a channel this lawless and anarchic before, and I may never again.

One more thing. Guess who owns the channel Bohemia is broadcasting from?

Yep....THEY'RE BACK.

1-5-2009
"Brainfollies," Mike Lastra's experimental freaky-weird BVM program, still shows up at random once per day. There's more than one Brainfollies episode now, and the later ones have focused more on interviews than being strange. BUT THEY'RE STILL STRAAAANGE, BELIEVE ME. In addition Lastra has begun to do more for the station as a whole; he's making all their identification spots now. How can I tell they're his? Because of the decapitated babies.

You know something is Brand Lastra when you see a talking creepy baby-doll head somewhere in it. Either that, or a plastic clear head with a brain inside that rotates; he overuses that image to death.

He's even made a movie now. It's called "Snipe" and it appears on BVM every now and then.

I couldn't tell you why it's called "Snipe," or what the plot is, or how many T-shirts Lastra has sold based on the movie (for real, ads for the T-shirts run during "Snipe" commercial breaks). It's supercheap; they greenscreen things you'd think would never have to be greenscreened, like the shot above. Why not just go outside to shoot that?

One of the men in the movie is Mike Lastra, but it isn't revealed whom. My best guess is the man with the long beard, because he appears the craziest.

1-12-2009
My theory that Bohemia's library is static and unlikely to be modernly updated was shattered today when they put up all of Katy Perry's videos in a row. Yes, all three.

The video for "Hot and Cold" is really good. ....What? I know this is the Internet but am I not allowed to like a video for something just because it sold over 1,000 copies? If Perry was a starving indie artist living in someone's garage (without their knowledge) and cobbling together song recordings in between house robbings, I would like this just as much as I do now. It adheres to my criteria for a good video: it follows the beat of the song, it's not boring, it's funny, and it has a zebra for no reason. That's all four!

2-18-2009
Of all the videos in the newest Bohemia music block, "Don't Be Mean" by the Raincoats pleases me most. It doesn't have a mindless zebra moment, but it does please me in all the other categories I mentioned above. Have a look:

2-20-2009
Another Bohemia Afterdark rerun is now in the mix. This one contains another hearty dose of MoJo Nixon (the man responsible for "Debbie Gibson Is Pregnant With My Two-Headed Love Child") but overall, I'd say avoid this episode if you can. I'm saying this with good reason. Half the episode is taken up by an experimental art film, "Songs for Swinging Larvae," and it's even worse than its title. I'm serious. CHANGE THE CHANNEL when you see this coming. You can't unsee something like this.

Yeah, now you won't leave me alone until you know exactly what's in it, will you? Fine. It's about a small child in a messy kitchen with the sink and cupboards filled with Jello. The soundtrack is strange noises made by someone's voice. Some crazy guy in a beard kidnaps him and---this part is actually blacked out from broadcast viewing, but the last thing it shows is the kid with his pants down. (!!!!!!!) Hey, YOU'RE the one who wanted to know.

3-18-2009

A Fleetwood Mac concert! Thank you, channel! Very few in this world can do "easy listening" without being boring. F. Mac is within that few. So is Coldplay, and early 90's Christian duo "Out of the Grey." That's about it.

The concert was only in Bohemia's rotation for two weeks. I'm glad I saved it before then.

So the rest of the movie is mindless jokes involving the Yolks being terrorized by the features in their house, mixed in with Nick Danger's scenes, where he investigates the swindler who's selling the houses. There are also ads -- ad parodies of the kind SNL had at the time. They appear on the Yolks' TV every now and then to derail an already disorganized film even further. One ad is for "Rat in the Box," a fast food chain that sells mangled rodent guts in buns. Firesign thought this was SO FUNNY that the same ad gets repeated THREE TIMES.

The movie is also interrupted by several nonsequitur special reports hosted by an anchorwoman with Victorian hair and a ventriloquist dummy. Seriously. And all the reports end with the dummy getting injured or run over, for no reason.

It's no surprise the folks at Bohemia are fans of movies like this. They're a match made in heaven.

7-4-2009
Happy Independence Day! What better way to honor our Founding Fathers than with more scary Mike Lastra material. At least it's morally better than illegal fireworks.

Every major local station in this area has its own news team, or in the case of channel 32 borrows one from another station if they don't. Now BVM has one. Only instead of reporting on the current news, they report on news that hasn't happened yet. Confused? You will be.

What else has Lastra made? "Sardonicus." A talk show! At least he calls it a talk show. It's actually an indescribable 5-minute program where he puppeteers his baby doll heads into talking gibberish. They fly through space in a toy spaceship and.....and that is the best I can do at explaining it.

Lastra has been kind enough to stuff his YouTube channel with a ton of his work, sparing me the hassle of having to record it and then run it through at least three file conversion programs before it's playable as a Flash file. If you want to brave it, go ahead -- keep in mind most of these things have actually aired on TV now. Mike Lastra's fingerprints are all over Bohemia, and who knows where else those fingers have been?

7-5-2009
It's Beatlemania on Bohemia! All five parts of the Beatles Anthology, a documentary on the Sergeant Pepper album, and the entire "Help!" movie are in rotation. This must all be in anticipation of the upcoming super-duper remastered Beatles complete set. Goo goo g'joob!

In a twisted sense.....I daresay Bohemia may be better than MTV was in its prime. Let me explain that blasphemy....way back when MTV was doing its job, it was good but it only focused on popular current acts. Bohemia puts on a lot of things MTV never would have. Their diversity range is so high that I've seen black-and-white jazz videos on this thing.

"Somebody TOLD me! That you have a BOYfriend! Who looks like a GIRLfriend! But walks like a BOYfriend! But talks like a GIRLfriend! But eats like a BOYfriend! But smells like a GIRLfriend! But sleeps like a BOYfriend! But sews like a GIRLfriend! But farts like a BOYfriend! But hits like a GIRLfriend! But bats like a BOYfriend! But spits like a GIRLfriend! But shoots like a BOYfriend! But kills like a GIRLfriend! That I had in February of LAST year!"

8-29-2009
Just when I think I've seen everything, I see something else. They've got a video up of a Rube Goldberg chain-reaction device (balloon blows up, pops, sends a steel bar rolling, bar knocks over a board, board propels roller skates, etc). Guess how long this goes on for? AN ENTIRE HALF-HOUR. This kind of thing is fascinating to watch for five minutes, but this is just way too much. Who had this kind of time, and how much taxpayer money is he mooching from the country?

Guess what it has to do with music? Nothing. There are now more documentaries, freaky Lastra junk, and videos of balloons popping than there are actual videos on this channel. I didn't think BVM was going to go MTV so quickly.

9-22-2009
As time has gone on, Bohemia has revised its captioning system for the videos. With the latest update, it changed again: the new block just has plain text with no BVM logos anywhere. Looks like Lastra made it; he's fond of the font used.

Also: there's a long block of every piece of Michael Jackson footage they have -- all the videos, plus a concert and an awards ceremony. This might have gone up the week of his death and I just didn't catch it until now.

10/8/2009
I despise people who say Internet video has made the notion of a dedicated music channel obsolete. On the Net you can't see something unless you specifically look for it. You only see the videos of bands you already know exist. There's no discovery that way. If it weren't for Bohemia, I would never know THIS video existed:

And now you know too.

11-15-2009
Bohemia has a new metal block, but it's captioned differently. The credits float out onto the screen from a vanishing point, hover distractingly for a few seconds, and then float back from where they came. This is evil; I even prefer the lame plain version to this.

11-28-2009
A new (to me) Firesign Theatre thingamajig has started running: "The Hee and Shee Show." It's a parody of 1980's newsmagazines hosted by a perpetually cheery couple and interrupted by fake ads every two minutes. Like everything else Firesign has ever done, it's more confusing than funny. The main plot is that they're covering the sacrifice of a young virgin to a volcano, to appease a cult leader named "Dr. Me", which is supposed to stop the spread of Kudzu vines. Funny stuff, right? Not really.

11-29-2009
Bohemia's lineup now contains the following movies:
Rock & Roll High School
Rockers
Something old starring Johnny Cash
Freaks
The Magic Christian

So yeah....they started with a musical theme, but later ran "Freaks" and abandoned it.
They started debuting these movies as "Friday Night Specials" at 8 PM, making them the very first Bohemia programs to run on a set time slot. The last Friday Night Special was another slab of concert footage, with Neil Young. (two hours' worth!)

One very cool thing they have started to do is run old movie trailers in between programs. How can you not love that?

I could watch this a hundred times. Keep it on, BVM!

11-30-2009
New Brainfollies:
Sardonicus (makes NO sense, avoid)
Tribute to Robert Moog, inventor of the Moog Synthesizer
Footage of extreme-sports biker stunts around Portland
Black-and-white films of African-American jazz ensembles

12-1-2009
Bohemia has given its website a nice overhaul. They also have a blog on it now -- but like the station itself, it's incomprehensible, so you might as well stick with me.

There's a forum too.

IT'S A SMASHING SUCCESS!

12-6-2009
For several hours, Bohemia broadcasted without sound. They did not realize the error until the following day.

12-7-2009

After a long absence, a Bohemia Afterdark rerun has once again resurfaced.
It appears to be one of the earliest Bohemia Afterdark episodes made, if not THE earliest. And WOW, was this show weird -- even weirder than Bohemia the channel. It rivals Brainfollies in weirdness, if such a thing can be possible.

It has videos, but said videos AREN'T IDENTIFIED WITH ANY SORT OF TAGS. I didn't realize how crucial tag credits were to keeping music television from complete incomprehensibility until now. The rerun contains no ad breaks, so...they're not getting paid for having it in rotation. Were they just not paying attention? Apparently, because the last ten minutes of the episode suddenly blast through in hyper-fast-forward. That wasn't fixed.

These are the credits, by the way:

Yes, that's all. That stays on the air for thirty seconds, as if they wanted to keep the same span of credits time.

12-9-2009
Suddenly, "Nick Danger" is back, for the first time since April. I thought this meant the end of "Hee and Shee," but that is still in rotation as well.

12-11-2009
Nope -- "Hee and Shee" is gone.

12-26-2009
It's about time -- a new music video block filled with an assortment of genres. However, it confirms something I'd feared: it uses the same annoying floaty captions as the previous few, which means this is Bohemia's new normal as far as crediting videos goes. It's awful and intrusive. Way to go.

YOU STUPID GIRL! Why'd you have to waste it?

Also, a lot of the videos in this block were already uploaded earlier, and are probably still in rotation with better captioning. Boo-urns.

12-27-2009
Okay....what is this? Is this a cooking show? As I write this, they're airing a cooking show. What is a show where a fat guy tells you how to cook doing on a supposed music video channel?

"Now let's get back to the water," he says, followed by commercials for fishing rods. WHAT?? It's a COOKING/FISHING SHOW?? What is this DOIIIIING here??

Sorry, no screenshots, because I never saw it again. Bohemia is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a tortilla.

12-29-2009
I haven't seen a single ad on Bohemia all week. How are they making money anymore?

"Nick Danger" is getting a lot more runtime than it did for that one week last March. It appeared THREE TIMES today. That's a lot of bad puns. To make matters freakier, I always turn the TV on during the same scene; the introduction of Rhonda Jo Stingray. They've rebranded the movie with their latest ID bug, but pasted it over their old one. Looks sloppy, but only if you notice it. The old one was smaller.

12-31-2009
A new year, a new decade is dawning. What is Bohemia offering this evening to celebrate this momentous occasion?
This. This is really what they aired tonight:

Bohemia is officially the worst AND the best channel ever.

But there's more! Specialized holiday programming, a Bohemia first! Grateful Dead + Blues Brothers concert footage from 1978, marathonned from 11:30 PM, 2009 to (how irooooonic) 4:20 AM, 2010.

Plus, one hour before the concert, a special message. I'm absolutely certain I was the only person to see this. Who else in Portland would seriously spend New Years Eve alone watching BVM?

Given that Mike Lastra is behind Brainfollies, Smegma AND Future News, half this list is the same thing. I bet "KORS Crew" is just Lastra and a baby doll head he's named "Martha."

"CALL ASK WHY NOT SUPPORT (LOGO) IN 2010" Move Zig for great justice!

Paragraph 1: Well, I guess that's good to know. But hackers are, at least, people who notice you exist. This is more than I ever expected. Be a little grateful.
Paragraph 2: Your guess = as good as mine.
Paragraph 3: This reveals a lot. Bohemia's upset. It knows no one cares about it. The main problem is, if I can use an allegory.....do you remember the Dr. Seuss book where this kid was walking alone in the woods, and suddenly runs across a pair of pants floating in midair with nobody inside them? He's scared to death of the pants, but he eventually finds out the pants are just as scared to death of him. He learns a valuable lesson about prejudice and he befriends the pants. Well, Bohemia, you are that floating pair of pants. Someone other than me has to have been flipping through the broadcast stations and seen you by now. It's not that they wouldn't like you if they could. They're just SCARED TO DEATH of you.

I'm doing what I can to spread Bohemian awareness, but I'm only one man. If you live in Portland, Bohemia is reaching out to YOU. Embrace the pants!

One more thing. "December" is spelled "December." I realize it was hard to find a reference for this, but you'll improve.

3-25-2010
Well, I'm worried. The reason I identified Bohemia Watch as a "blog" yet haven't really made any updates to it since the new year is thus: it hasn't updated either. It's just been cycling through the blocks it's been using for months....like the proverbial lost airplane flying in a circle until it spends the last of its fuel and crashes.

As some people have E-mailed me to point out, Lastra's YouTube channel is now gone. And this morning, I got another E-mail, from Lastra himself. Here he is, unedited:

Thank you for following our zany exploits.
as you astutely prognosticated... the nostrum is up.
forces beyond our control have decimated free tv! our continuing endeavors can be found on you tube under "Brainfollies".

The very difficult job of using 35mm film as in "Snipe" or eons of video history as in "brainfollies" has tasked us.
vertigo from programming a campaign of egalitarian viewership...

..............challenged to provide you with the most innovative
television since the great "Ernie Kovacs".You honor us and we salute you. ......


NOT INSANE,
K. J. Sanders
Mike Lastra

This either means he quit, or the whole station is about to.

3-29-2010

....And it's over. The feed was cut off at 3PM today.