Have you ever wondered who those people are in the coffee shop with all the scary clown makeup on, or why your co-worker is dressed like a squirrel? Wander in ignorance no more with this handy guide to the subcultures of the world. The requirements of being listed as a subculture are thus:
1) The general populace must not have
known of your existence until the invention of the
Prepare to get subcultured:
|Furries are categorized by their
obsession with anthropmorphic human-animal hybrid
characters, such as Gadget Hackwrench, Minerva Mink, or
O.G. Readmore. The more obsessed among them dream up an
alternate avatar for themselves called a 'fursona' --
don't look at me, I didn't name it -- and create a
costume resembling it. The alternate-reality software
Second Life is, believe it or not, still in operation --
mainly because of Furries. It's full of them now, as it's
one of the few places they can look like they wish they
did. Also see: Deviantart.
It gets stranger. Travel deeper into the rabbit hole and you'll find the "Otherkin," a subculture within a subculture of people who literally think they're anthropomorphic fur-creatures born in the wrong body. They claim they were actually meant to be dragons, gremlins, Oompa-Loompas or other mythical creatures, and wish the world was similar. You'll know one of them obtained the Dragon Balls if you all wake up one morning with whiskers and a prehensile tail.
While the obsession with anthropomorphism can be kink-based, only about 5% of all the Furries in the world engage in the kind of lurid activities modern man assumes all of them do. Contrary to popular belief, a fursuit isn't created for dry-humping, as they are much too cumbersome for that (...I know this because I heard about it, all right?) Furries can be found at specialized conventions taking place across the hall from children's volleyball tournaments. The difference in preference may make socialization a bit awkward at times, but don't be hatin' up in here. Your neighborhood Furry is harmless, friendly, and also a cat.
|The phenomenon of Bronies can be
traced back to professionally paid Internet troll Amid
Amidi -- yes, the whole thing is his fault. When The Hub
announced a new cartoon show based on My Little Pony,
Amid freaked out, fearing the re-domination of 80's style
toy-based cartoons. In fact, he literally declared that
moment THE DEATH of creator-driven animation. FOR. EVER.
The cartoon fandom section of 4Chan read it, laughed, then watched the show anyway. The first season of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic was helmed by Lauren Faust, wife of Craig McCracken who created Powerpuff Girls and Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends. Both Craig and Lauren are highly talented people who are good at creating compelling, entertaining shows out of concepts that sound dopey on paper. At first people were just pretending to like it to annoy Amid, but then they started actually liking it. Then more people came in figuring the whole thing was a joke, but wound up also sucked into Lauren's spell. Then it just kept spreading from there.
Eventually the show was taken too far and embraced as a life brand, not unlike Star Trek's original run. Star Trek as a franchise is kind of asleep these days, so instead of Trekkies, we now have Bronies (so named because most of these fanboys are male -- a female MLP fanatic is a "Pegasister"). Bronies range in intensity from casual to absolutely bonkers.
|Not to be confused with naturally-born
mermaids, which are obviously mythical (right, FBI?)
There are people obsessed with mermaids enough that
they'll blow large wads of cash on prosthetic fin tails
and literally become the part, swimming around reefs for
hours. Though breathing apparatuses can be used, most
mermaids prefer to train themselves to hold their breath
for as long as possible. Lung-to-gill surgery remains
This woman left her day job in 2005 to become a "mermaid" and hasn't looked back since. You might be thinking she made the stupidest decision on Earth, but between public appearances, Hollywood parties, and her own Web show, she's making significantly more than when she walked on two legs. The scowling man in the picture is not only a mermaid but sells his custom fin-tails professionally to clients like Lady Gaga (who is probably another one of them).
Yes, mermaids make money, a lot of it, and this alone will probably allure more followers. With a little word of mouth I could see this kind of thing becoming a larger trend.
A subculture formed around Psychopathic Records, a small label that includes Insane Clown Posse and similar bands (the term was coined by ICP member Joseph Bruce during a concert). Just as ICP dresses in goofy demented-clown makeup, so must the follower Juggalos (though not on a daily basis, that'd be just silly). Their signature drink is Faygo, and the exact reason why is lost on me, other than it's cheap. Clowns don't get much respect, even when they're "evil," so juggalos have been the subject of derision from various webcomics and Adult Swim programs. In some Southern states they are forced to use separate water fountains.
If this seems short and padded, it's because there really isn't much to point out besides the paint and the bad nutrition. The only information on juggalos that isn't mocking them is written by juggalos themselves and heavily biased in the other direction. They constantly stress their "individuality," but plenty of cultures, sub and non, stress that. Why exactly do you have to be a clown-thing to do this?
A similar community based around the video game series Twisted Metal died out quickly when all its members attempted to set their hair on fire perpetually.
Frankfurtrons are typically seen dressed in hot dog costumes, as they are obsessed with the image of the hot dog (which they insist is not phallic in any way). They insist that the frankfurter is the food of the future and that someday every form of chewable foodstuff will be packaged in that form. The weinermobile is the ultimate prized possession of a Frankfurtron, and they often hound Oscar Meyer factories for the off-chance the company is getting rid of one. Many choose to make their own, with varied results from shoddy to spitting-image.
Their signature beverage is Pepsi Ham, a frankfurter-flavored cola sold exclusively in six tiny Asian nations. Typically they buy it off the Internet and have it shipped to them. You know your neighbor is a Frankfurtron when large packages frequently arrive at his or her doorstep.
The average Frankfurtron lives around 60 years.
Explorers are people who grew up watching the television program Dora the Explorer, but never really stopped. Their signature beverage is chocolate milk, but it has to be a specific brand sold only in Latin America. It's typical for Explorers to get together on "adventures" in state parks, where they march around and pretend to solve problems by shouting Spanish commands. The more affuent among Explorers can afford talking backpacks.
Recently Explorers have come under fire from the ASPCA for allegedly holding rituals in which they gather around a small monkey and beat it to death while shouting "SWIPER, NO SWIPING!" Explorers insist only the fringe among them engage in such behavior, but it didn't stop the ritual from being the subject of a CSI: Vets episode.
INTERNET VIDEO REVIEWERS
|If you're relaxing in your apartment
and you suddenly hear the man above you shouting to
himself incoherently while bouncing around, you may have
an Internet Video Reviewer nearby.
Internet Video Reviewers get paid a meager wage for the activity of dressing up in tinfoil and pretending to fight themselves. Other frequent activities are, but not limited to: recording their overblown reactions to hard video games, drinking cans of expired soda 20 years old, or just getting wasted and leaving the camera on while slurring about how much they hate Twilight. Their signature drink is Rolling Rock.
The typical evening of an Internet Video Reviewer involves setting a camera onto a tripod, turning it on, saying something, turning it off, dressing in a costume, turning it back on, saying something in a different voice, turning it off, putting on a different costume, turning it on, saying something else, turning it off, and repeating the steps for hours. This can be depressing to watch when you realize this is the best way he can get other people in the room with him.
The only sight sadder than an Internet Video Reviewer is that of a Web cartoonist.
Normies can be found working blue-collar jobs, at golf courses, or fishing. They couple up early and have at least six children, and are often Caucasian in race, Anglo-Saxon in descent. Normies will eat whatever they can fit in their mouths and are usually overweight. A typical normy enjoys CBS sitcoms, Michael Bay movies, whatever the radio decides they should listen to, and whatever meme their social network friends are embracing. Unlike most other subcultures, which tend to be friendly and open-minded, normies are highly suspicious of anyone outside their niche, sometimes to a paranoid extent. Their signature drink is Budweiser.
Normies are considered extremely dangerous and detrimental to the future of society. If you encounter normies, alert the FBI.
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