"Today's so boring that if it were a
person, it would be wearing a polo shirt and khakis."
Shes so boring if she were a spice shed be flour!! --Louise Belcher
"You should stop thinking that when people are nice to you that it means you are a good person." --Dana Vreede
"I walked in [a restaurant after winning the Olympics] and tried to order two hamburgers, and I was told, "We don't serve
Negroes." I said, "Good, because I don't eat them either." --Muhammad Ali
"Did you see The Vagina Monologues? There's a great passage about what your vagina is wearing. I came away thinking, 'Mine
is wearing red patent leather boots.' What is yours wearing?" --Crazy Oprah Winfrey
"Laurence Fishburne once gave me a red pill to swallow. Let me tell you, I wish I hadnt." --Anonymous
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand, and walk, and run, and climb, and dance; one cannot fly into
flying. --Friedrich Nietzsche
I've missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I've been trusted to take
the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed. --
"The obsession with millennials continues to fascinate me. Despite being the most outspoken generation in history, people
very important and powerful people claim they dont understand us. We make no sense apparently, as if the actions and
career paths of our parents make total and complete sense." --Danny Crichton
"Children are vulnerable. As secure as we adults try to make them, their short life experience make everything feel more
earth shattering and potentially damaging, and that in turn brings out the natural desire to protect themselves. Thus,
children can be amazingly cruel in casual ways that adults are often shocked by. " --Anonymous
"Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought." --Pope John Paul II
Broadmindedness, when it means indifference to right and wrong, eventually ends in a hatred of what is right. --Fulton J.
"Judging by all of the swastikas I've seen carved on the walls of public restrooms, I can only assume that Nazis are the
most constipated people on earth." --Anonymous
"I got to attend a lecture by the guy who the movie 'Catch Me If You Can' was based on. He told a story once of seeing that
nightly business deposits at an airport went into a chute. One night he got ahold of a security guard looking uniform, and
stood next to the chute with a sign 'Chute broken, give deposits to guard.' People didn't even stop and think 'A chute can
be broken?' and just gave him the money." --Anonymous
"If being an internet celebrity gave someone as much power as GamerGate thinks Anita has, Pewdiepie would be king of Sweden
by now." --Anonymous
"There is no such thing as an ugly woman." --Ray Charles
"There are three types of people in the music industry: Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, and everyone else." --Wired
"Fame is interesting. Celebs are supposed to love you guys, while also knowing you'd make a meme of our dead bodies to get
retweets." --Chrissy Teigen
"The crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading." --Terry Pratchett
I would tell any cartoonist who has an idea, think twice before you give it to a publisher. -Stan Lee, 1971
"The penis is the most powerful organ known to man. Women tend to be less impressed." --Anonymous
Whether you think you can or you cant -- youre right. --Henry Ford
"A person who helps poor people is called a saint. A person who asks why there are poor people is called a communist." --
"Each time you make a decision [in a story] you are closing a door. Youre saying this is the way it works and it cannot
work this other way. Sometimes when you close a door and define something its rad world building: There are always two
Sith, a master and an apprentice. Sometimes it f***** sucks: The force is the result of midichlorians in someones blood.
Shutting doors is tricky." --Mike Krahulik
"If we amplify everything we hear nothing. --Jon Stewart
"I've come up with a set of rules that describe our reactions to technologies:
1. Anything that is in the world when you're born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world
2. Anything that's invented between when you're fifteen and thirty-five is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can
probably get a career in it.
3. Anything invented after you're thirty-five is against the natural order of things." --Douglas Adams
"I have a thing called the 'Sexy Lamp Test.' If you can take a story, and you can take a female character, remove her and
replace her with a lamp, and the plot still functions...you need another draft." Kelly Sue DeConnick, writer for Captain
I honestly think that if we did not have deadlines we would seriously still be working on Toy Story 1. --Pete Docter
"In Discworld, when you travel back in time, you have to put a frog in your mouth and then catch a butterfly. If you do it
the other way around, then you're trapped in last night forever." --anonymous advice
"I was at the pool this summer when someone came up to my seven-year-old daughter and said, 'Oh my gosh, she looks just
like that annoying girl from Small Wonder! Finally, I walked by them and said, 'Im her mother and that was me!" --
"I couldn't sing, and they let me sing. I couldn't dance, and they let me dance. But what I could do was burp, and they
dubbed me with somebody else." --Peter Ostrum, aka Charlie Bucket from Willy Wonka
"The magician David Copperfield called me up one Saturday night while I was watching TV to thank me for mentioning him. I
have no idea how he got my phone number. Magic, I guess." --Bill Amend
"Those Rangers really BURN MY BISCUITS!" --Lord Zedd
"I hope that, like Mark Twain, people one day look back at my work and say, 'Wow, that is actually pretty racist.'" --Tina
Fey accepting the Mark Twain Prize
"Seems every few decades the world goes bats*** crazy. Just long enough to forget the last time the world went bats***
crazy." --Neil deGrasse Tyson
"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." --Oscar Wilde
"Love things as loudly as you want. Stop being ashamed of what makes you happy. Don't be tricked into feeling embarrassed
about excitement." --Comics Gremlin
"The Dutch customs once thought my pictures were photos. Where on Earth did they think I could have photographed my
subjects? In Hell, perhaps?" --H.R. Giger
"There may be no person I feel more sorry for in the United States than the female Gamestop employee." --Anomymous
"Sure [Fred Astaire] was great, but don't forget that Ginger Rogers did everything he did, backwards...and in high heels."
"They told me you killed my father! .................That is AWESOME!" --Jennifer Goines, 12 Monkeys
If you get in my way, I will, how do the Americans put it? Oh yes. Bust a cap in yo ass. --Bayonetta
"Life is a war of attrition. You have to stay active on all fronts. It's one thing after another. I've tried to control a
chaotic universe. And it's a losing battle. But I can't let go. I've tried, but I can't." --Harvey Pekar
"Whenever I see a trailer for a new comedy movie, it's just "dirty joke" after "dirty joke," and I usually don't even get
the joke." --Anonymous
"Every time a Republican becomes president they promise the world will "respect us again," then we end up having to pretend
we're Canadian." --John Aravosis
"We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1400s would get in
his whole lifetime." --Matt Crowley
"My TaeKwonDo instructor and his wife wouldnt let their daughters watch Rugrats because they didnt want them to learn
from Angelica. To which I replied, You know Angelica is the villain of the show, right? She always loses in the end. To
which his wife answered, But her name has Angel in it, and I dont want them to get confused. --Anonymous
"When I was in high school, one of my best friends worked at the big local movie theater. It had twelve screens; as a town,
wed really arrived. Anyway, my friend was not huge on working there but she did enjoy things like gas money so she put in
her time. Her least favorite thing to do was clean the glass display case that held the candy, because its the modern
equivalent of Sisyphus and the Damn Rock - shed clean it, and two seconds later it would be covered in small, child-size
hand prints. So one night my other friend and I are going to see a movie, and we came early to hang out with my friend.
Shes just finished cleaning the glass and telling us not to freaking touch it when we hear this ear-piercing squeal from
the ticket counter. A little girl, probably no more than six, is running full speed for the candy display. Little Girl
stops within an inch of actually crashing into the glass and raises her hands to press them against the freshly cleaned
glass. Without hesitation my friend leans over the counter and whispers:
Do you know what we do to little children who put their hands on the glass? We CUT OFF THEIR FINGERS.
All three of us, Little Girl, me and my other friend, stare at her in horror. L.G.s parents were trailing far enough
behind that they didnt hear my friend. About five seconds later a little boy comes running up about to put his hands on
the glass and L.G. screams NOOOOOOO! and basically tackles this other kid to the ground.
Ive never looked at the candy display the same way." --Anonymous
"Bill Hanna told me, 'Don't create anything if you can steal it.' He really said that. On my BIRTHDAY. It was like that was
his gift to me. I immediately went home and drew up a thing called The Stoneflints." --Scott Shaw!
"I actually read a study the other day that smarter people like bad movies and I felt really vindicated." --Felicia Day
"I accidentally watched A Nightmare on Elm Street when I was like 8 years old and I was scarred for life. I never wear
horizontal stripes because of that movie." --Felicia Day
"Truth is a well-known pathological liar. It invariably turns out to be Fiction wearing a fancy frock. Self-proclaimed
Fiction, on the other hand, is entirely honest. You can tell this, because it comes right out and says, "I'm a Liar," right
there on the dust jacket." --Alan Moore
"Writers: whenever you think you are a big deal, remember that someone came before you and managed to turn the word 'ranch'
into a flavor." --Maureen Johnson
"Whenever I read my own work I try to stay mindful of the used car salesman in my head telling me its a hot ride at a
great price." --Anonymous
"Atlas Shrugged is 100,000 words longer than the entire Lord of the Rings. (562,000 v/s 455,000) Its even longer than LotR
AND The Hobbit combined (sans appendices) and yet still manages to have less substance and reality than Tolkien." --
"I'll take it! I don't even know what it is but I'll take it!" --verbatim quote from CBS executive Les Moonves, before
Kevin James could begin pitching his sitcom Kevin Can Wait
"It's extremely dangerous to tune your TV while sitting in the bathtub." --TV Guide, Nov. 2 1957 issue
"When it comes to online dating, men have it harder and women have it worse." --Anonymous
"If voting didn't matter, the GOP wouldn't put so much effort into voter suppression." --Anonymous
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people He gave it to. --Dorothy Parker
"It's like if someone made a Ninja Turtles movie and the entire thing was four turtle babies crawling around on a puddle of
toxic waste." --Brad Jones discussing the live-action Jem movie
"If you see any ad for a movie that ends with one of the characters from the movie dancing in front of the logo, its going
to be a horrible movie." --Anonymous
"I'm instantly leery of any movie that begins with 'Keeping up With,' 'Meet The' or 'Did You Hear About.'" --Brad Jones
I make good life choices mostly because theyre forced on me but I make them, and I find myself in unpleasant
situations all the time. You know why? Because even if you have a choice it can and will be taken away from you. Were all
fates bitch. You might as well go ahead and bend over for destiny now. --Jaye, Wonderfalls
Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better
to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber barons cruelty may sometimes sleep, his
cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do
so with the approval of their own conscience. --C. S. Lewis
"The human body is 90% water, so basically we are just cucumbers with anxiety." --Anomymous
"I always imagined Armageddon was the unofficial real sequel to Jurassic Park - you survived the dinos - now face their
"Do you know why Delia Ketchum has to keep reminding her son to change his underwear? It's because he doesn't." --Matt
"There are no normal people. There are just different kinds of weird; all of it is human, and all humanity is better than
everything inhuman." --Dan Harmon
"Sandwiched between Bush and Trump, the Obama years will be remembered as an odd period in American history when the
President spoke in complete sentences." --Andy Borowitz
I cant remember where I heard this, but someone once said that defending a position by citing free speech is sort of the
ultimate concession; youre saying that the most compelling thing you can say for your position is that its not literally
illegal to express. --XKCD
Conventional people are roused to fury by any departure from convention, largely because they regard such departures as
criticisms of themselves. --Bertrand Russell
"Impossible doesn't mean very hard. Very hard is winning a Nobel Prize, impossible is eating the sun." --Lou Reed
"Comics are like boobs...they look great on a computer, but I'd rather hold one in my hand." --Stan Lee
"Caution: The Surgeon General has determined that this album may be hazardous to your feet." --sticker on Teena Marie
record from 1985
"Yesterday I learned that the last thing Walt Disney did before he died was write Kurt Russells name on a piece of scrap
paper. Nobody knows why."
"'Kurt Russell' was the name of Disneys beloved boyhood sled."
"Crow, what do you want for Christmas?"
"I want to decide who lives and who dies." --MST3K
"The Gullibility Tester hangs on the wall at Epstein's Bar, my favorite watering hole. Unlike a lot of novelty machines
that claim to test people for intangible qualities, this one actually works. I know because I designed it.
Well actually, I just rewired an old "love tester" machine I'd bought at the swap meet, and using my sign painting skills
(those are my drunken Santas you'll see carousing on the front windows there every winter...) I put new wording on the
front of it.
JUST HOW GULLIBLE ARE YOU? it asks.
FIND OUT! GUARANTEED ACCURATE!!!
The mark drops in his quarter, grips the brass handle, and then the vertical row of clear 11w bulbs that will supposedly
guage his capacity for discernment (from TOTAL #$%$ up through SIMPLE SIMON all the way to GENIUS! NOTHING GETS PAST YOU!)
starts to blink at random.
He---and it's usually a he for some reason---watches expectantly as one rating after another lights up, and with how the
bells inside are chiming and the blinking of the lights becomes more and more frantic it really does appear that it's about
to reach some decision...
And then it dies. Grows dark and silent, with only one red plastic disc of an indicator light sort of off to the side still
glowing, the words next to it announcing:
READING INCONCLUSIVE. PLEASE TRY AGAIN.
This is all my machine does. All it will ever do, no matter how many times a person tries it. And thus his gullibility is
tested quite accurately, by how many times he falls for this, the number of coins he drops into the slot...
And as the regulars all bust up laughing it also measures how well he can take a joke." --Anonymous
"I've discovered the secret to writing a successful book-to-TV-show."
"First you set a cast of deep, loveable, relatable characters."
"Then, slowly kill 'em all off."
--the comic strip BC
"What we call right-wing and liberal media in this country are really just two different strategies of the same kind of
nihilistic lizard-brain sensationalism. The ideal CNN story is a baby down a well, while the ideal Fox story is probably a
baby thrown down a well by a Muslim terrorist or an ACORN activist. Both companies offer the same service, it's just that
the Fox version is a little kinkier. When you make the news into this kind of consumer business, pretty soon audiences lose
the ability to distinguish between what they think they're doing, informing themselves, and what they're actually doing,
And who shops for products he or she doesn't want? That's why the consumer news business was always destined to hit this
kind of impasse. You can get by for a long time by carefully selecting the facts you know your audiences will like, and
calling that news. But eventually there will be a truth that displeases your customers. What do you do then?" --Matt
Taibbi, Rolling Stone
"Every girl I knew when I was younger used to tell me they loved me as a friend. So I wanted to change my name to Azafrend.
That way the next time a girl said that they'd be saying they love me by my name." --Facebook comment
"You should never write down to kids, and any show that does that is making a mistake." --Rob Renzetti
"It's surprising how hard we'll work when the work is done just for ourselves." --Bill Watterson
"If you have an erection that lasts more than four hours, call up your friends and brag." --Saturday Night Live
"I have never related to a character more than that Stormtrooper in A New Hope who smacks his head on the door frame." --
"Nintendo is like a crazy girl youre in love with. You have no idea what she is going to do. She might like you one
moment, hate you another, and youre pretty certain she has no idea you exist, but then shell blow you one afternoon and
its amazing. Then the next day shell ignore you again and you cant quite figure out what the hell is going on. But
because youre in love with her, for some insane reason you keep telling yourself she thinks about you too." --Anonymous
Had a star athlete who was being recruited by Ivy League schools failing my English class. On top of his general poor
academic performance, I also caught him cheating on a homework assignment which he vehemently denied. His mom scheduled a
meeting with an administrator and proceeded to berate me and to accuse me of discriminating against student athletes. Then
she said her son would never cheat. I pulled out his homework and proceeded to read one of his answers, I, as a 16 year
old girl,.. Mom then begins yelling at him, You cant even cheat right! Whats wrong with you? How are you going to get
into college if you cant cheat?' --anonymous teacher's story on Reddit
"Supposing an emperor was persuaded to wear a new suit of clothes whose material was so fine that, to the common eye, the
clothes werent there. And suppose a little boy pointed out this fact in a loud, clear voice Then you have The Story of the
Emperor Who Had No Clothes. But if you knew a bit more, it would be The Story Of The Boy Who Got A Well-Deserved Thrashing
From His Dad For Being Rude To Royalty, And Was Locked Up. Or The Story Of The Whole Crowd Who Were Rounded Up By The
Guards And Told This Didnt Happen, Okay? Does Anyone Want To Argue? Or it could be a story of how a whole kingdom
suddenly saw the benefits of the new clothes, and developed an enthusiasm for healthy sports in a lively and refreshing
atmosphere which got many new adherents every year, and led to a recession caused by the collapse of the conventional
clothing industry. It could even be a story about The Great Pneumonia Epidemic of 09. It all depends on how much you
know." --Terry Pratchett
"If I were really cynical I would start some medieval sword and sorcery thing, say it's a trilogy, then keep writing it for
the rest of my life." --George R.R. Martin, 1981
I must study politics and war, that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy, natural history and
naval architecture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, tapestry, and
porcelain. --John Adams
"TED talks are like church services for white people who want to feel smart. You sit down, you watch a person give a
carefully rehersed speech designed to make you feel like youre learning something, you walk away feeling smart and
superior, and an hour later you forget about it." --Anonymous
"Please no Ron Swanson types. I appreciate your affection for a mockumentary sitcom character but nobody wants to be
penetrated by Ron Swanson." --OKCupid profile
"Every 'retelling' of Peter Pan is a libertarian tantrum. Oh to be young. Oh to fly and s*** my diaper while I don't pay
taxes. Don't buy it." --Dan Harmon
"If they remade The Breakfast Club today, it would be a silent film about five teenagers staring at their phones for 90
"A story of revenge:
My wife and I were into Red Dead Redemption multiplayer. We had two systems, two TVs. It was a lot of fun. But one night
while I was passed out, she played without me and got severely trolled. They trapped her in an abandoned farm house and had
their fun...Racist and sexist remarks, spawn camping, and so on. The next day, she stated she never wanted to play again,
and she never did.
This group of guys essentially killed my in game wife. A few days later I scanned her "recently played with" list and was
able to find a couple of them. I then went back onto my account and added all of them to my list of preferred players,
ensuring that the system would automatically drop me into their games every time I logged in.
I found the first one with some friends outside an abandoned mine. I took a sniper position in the rocks above and waited
until they came out before firing a warning shot. RDR chat was fun because it was location sensitive. I could hear them
trying to figure out where the shot came from. I yelled "I'm not here for all of you...just the kid who trolled my wife a
few days back. The rest of you can go." There was nervous laughter, and disbelief...one of them decided to ride up by
himself and take a shot at me. I switched to a shotgun, hid and waited....as he rode by, I shot him in the back off his
horse and proceeded to spawn camp him until he begged me to stop. He asked his friends to come help and they refused. I
restated that I was not interested in anyone but the kid I was looking for, and then something funny happened...they did
what I said.
They abandoned the troll and he jumped onto his horse and rode for town alone. I followed. He even tried to switched
servers, but I was able to track him because of his preferred player status. He tried to hide in a stable behind a saloon.
After killing him countless times, he said "Dude, just stop, PLEASE." I told him I would stop when he apologized to my
wife. He did. Then, I told him to stay out of the way when I went after his friends. He said "I cant do that..." and I said
"Then we got nuthin' to talk about" and plugged him in the face. Finally he agreed to not only leave them to me, but also
to give me their names.
I added every name to my list and spent my remaining time on RDR making their lives pure hell. I got really good at being
this character. Avenging angel of darkness, troll hunter, a playerkiller killer. People responded like it was an actual
western. Some respected what I was doing, some even helped. Others just stayed out of the way, and those who thought it
would be funny to cross me found out it wasn't really fast.
I realized I wasnt playing Rockstar's epic western anymore, I was playing my own. It was epic, and way fun. There was even
that moment where I realized I had become the thing I set out to destroy. It goes in my all-time fav gaming moments. I met
an end similar to Marsten's, except with knife hacks...
The story is way longer, but the point was, trolls do serve a purpose. Theyre delicious."
You know that fellow who was in that movie about the Big Bopper? No, no, not the Big Bopper. Who else was on the plane
with the Big Bopper? Buddy Holly? Yes, Buddy Holly. So, you remember that handsome fellow who was in that movie about Buddy
Holly? He twattered to my daughter! I dont know what twattering is, either. Its on the interweb. The interweb! Where the
Facebook is. The Facebook! Oh, how could you forget the Facebook? Thats where we play Scrabble together. Yes! Anyway, so
he twattered to my daughter, so she knows a famous actor now! Oh, he was so handsome, wasnt he? Hes in that TV show now,
about that park ranger. Ooh, hes handsome too, isnt he? --overheard phone conversation
"What's false consciousness?" asked Ron curiously. I knew he would be more open to communist ideas because he was part of
the proletariat, whereas Hermione was part of the bourgeois intelligentsia.
"False consciousness is when people think communism is bad," I explained. "Since communism is good, it means they're
"Harry, are you a communist?" asked Hermione in a quiet voice. I could tell she was scared, probably of losing her private
--from the fanfiction "Harry Potter Becomes A Communist"
"If you let yourself get into a mood, no one will want to be around you. No one likes a moody person, Chuck. Take it from
me: I learned a long time ago that if you go around in a mood feeling sorry for yourself, you do it alone. And I mean
alone, Chuck." --Peppermint Patty
"Bib and napkin, knife and fork is the only way that I'll touch pork." --Kermit, The Muppet Show, 1978
"To leave the world better than you found it, sometimes you have to pick up other people's trash." --Bill Nye (The Science
"Nothing is permanent, everything changes. That's the one thing we know for sure about this world. But I'm still going to
gripe about it." --Calvin
"Three main characters shared one beer, got drunk, stole a car, drove off a cliff, and died. What's the problem?" --Tom
Ruegger reflecting on Tiny Toons
"My hypothetical never-gonna-happen daughter will be named Chainsaw. My son will be named Lobstermatic 5000, Now With
Detachable Front End For Easier Cleaning."
"Im stealing your sons name for my son, moving near you so they share a class, and your son will be doomed to being
Lobstermatic 5000, Now With Detachable Front End For Easier Cleaning T., for his entire school career."
--the funniest message board statement and response of all time
There are worlds out there where the sky is burning, and the seas asleep, and the rivers dream; people made of smoke and
cities made of song. Somewhere theres danger, somewhere theres injustice, and somewhere else the teas getting cold. Come
on, Ace. Weve got work to do. --the very last words spoken in Classic Doctor Who
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