"In those days spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were
real women, and small furry
creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri." --Douglas Adams
I got a great dirty trick you can play on a three-year-old kid Whenever youre around him, talk wrong. So now its
like his first day in school and he raises his hand, May I mambo dogface to the banana patch? --Steve Martin
"What your competitors are doing is far less important than Why they're doing it, or Why it's working." --Scott John
"A person of good intelligence and sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about
the inequality -- and its not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing -- it is just a normal human
reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in
the street." --George Carlin
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups." --George Carlin
"Remember how stupid the average person is, then realize half of them are stupider then that." --George Carlin
"George Carlin -- less of a comedian, more like a prophet." --Daniel Tosh
"Even Fidel Castro, a longtime Coke drinker, contributed to the backlash, calling New Coke a sign of American capitalist
decadence. (The Coke CEO's) own father expressed similar misgivings to his son, who later recalled that it was the only
time the older man had agreed with Castro, whose rule he had fled Cuba to avoid." --Wikipedia's New Coke page
"Today I bought a garage in Warsaw, landed in a dust storm on Mars and killed a dragon. Thank you videogames." --Jeff
"This is the Sarah Palin of the future!" --Conan O'Brien upon seeing Bayonetta
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will
always find people who are helping.'" --Fred Rogers
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." --Charlie Chaplin
"You do not have a soul; you are a soul. You have a body." --C.S. Lewis
"If theres a book you want to read, but it hasnt been written yet, then you must write it." --Toni Morrison
"Mode 7? More like...Goat Heaven!" --JonTron
"Nintendo, why are you so....you?
It's adorable at times but sometimes it feels like Nintendo doesn't understand how things work outside their company.
Like they live in their own pocket universe and find the real world to be utterly foreign and sometimes terrifying to
"I just like the stuff that I like. I don't care where the stuff that I like comes from." --Patton Oswalt
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough." --Mae West
"I'll try anything at least once, twice if I like it. Three times to be sure." --Mae West
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." --Mark Twain
Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It
means never having to play it cool about how much you like something. Its basically a license to proudly emote on a
somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult. Being a geek is extremely liberating. --Anonymous
"Never apologize for being nerdy, because non-nerdy people never apologize for being a*******." --John Barrowman
"DC/WB is all like 'Wonder Woman's too confusing for a movie!' and Marvel/Disney is all like 'Here's a raccoon with a
machine gun.'" --Brett White
"I never lose sight of the fact that just being is fun." --Katharine Hepburn
"If Comcast was a man, I would punch him in the face." --Anonymous
"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand." --Milton
"Censorship is getting rid of steak because a toddler cannot chew it." --Mark Twain
"I quite enjoy ingesting calories with you." --Milla, Tales of Xillia
"The great thing about self-publishing is that anyone can publish. The bad thing about self-publishing is ANYONE can
"Ann, you cunning, pliable, chestnut-haired sunfish." --Leslie Knope
"You are what you settle for." --Janis Joplin
I liked when you were riding on the bike, and thanks for not dying. --child's letter to ET, 1983
"Do you think that people will be using DVRs in the Mad Max post-apocalypse desert wasteland? There's a reason they're
listening to phonographs and watching film strips in the future. Older stuff lasts longer." --Witney Seibold
"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time." --Mason Cooley
"In all of mankind's history, there has never been more damage done than by people who thought they were doing the right
thing." --Lucy van Pelt
"For all you know, a witch might be living next door to you right now. Or she might be the woman with the bright eyes
who sat opposite you on the bus this morning. She might be the lady with the dazzling smile who offered you a sweet from
a white paper bag in the street before lunch. She might even and this will make you jump she might even be your
lovely school-teacher who is reading these words to you at this very moment. Look at that teacher. Perhaps she is
smiling at the absurdity of such a suggestion. Don't let that put you off. It could be part of her cleverness. I am not,
of course, telling you for one second that your teacher actually is a witch. All I am saying is that she might be one.
It is most unlikely. But and here comes the big "but" it is not impossible." --Roald Dahl
"I love drugs. Do you?"
"No, incest and murder are my things."
"Let's kill someone just for fun..."
"Can I torture them?"
"Can I drown them? Wait, of course I can, I'm God."
"Take yours hands off him, @#!**! He's my wife!"
--word balloons from a Jack Chick version of the Noah story
"Consider how odd it would be if all we knew about elephants had been written by elephants. Would we recognise one? What
elephant author would describe or perhaps even perceive the features which are common to all elephants? We would
find ourselves detecting these from indirect clues; for instance, elephant-naturalists would surely tell us that all
other animals suffer from noselessness, which obliges them to use their paws in an unnatural way. [...] So when the
human male describes his world he maps its distances from his unspoken natural center of reference, himself. He calls a
swamp "impenetrable," a dog "loyal" and a woman "short."
The only animal who can observe man from the outside is of course the human female: we women who live in his house, in
his shadow, on his planet. And it is important that we do this. This incompletely known animal conditions every aspect
of our individual lives and holds the destruction of Earth in his hands." --Alice Sheldon
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemingway
"How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? .......One. You hold the bulb and wait for the world to
revolve around you!" --Anonymous
"I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs. I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey, wait a
minute, there's one guy holding up both puppets!" --Bill Hicks
"A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because
its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it." --Max Planck
"Why be prejudiced against people because of their race or nationality or religion, when there are so many real reasons
to hate others?" --Emo Philips
"**** off, you giant sentient fart." --Allison Pregler
"Dude, sucking at something is the first step toward being sorta good at something." --Jake the Dog
"Can we stop pandering to twelve year olds and ignoring their parents? The parents are the ones who actually have jobs."
"There is no such thing as a true "free market". If there were, we'd perhaps be down to 2 corporations right now, and
each one would own 50% of everything, and we'd all be paid a dollar a day." --Anonymous
"Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man." --Thomas Paine
"I feel bad when I see a [video game development] team asking for $150k on Kickstarter & players asking why it doesn't
cost $10k. When in reality it will cost $600k." --Daniel Cook
"I was at a party where John Stamos was there and he was so drunk/stoned that he walked right into the glass door to the
balcony and fell smack on his ass. He must have been on the ground for a good 5 seconds, just lying there in complete
silence. He then got up and sauntered away, acting like nothing had happened." --Anonymous
"I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk
sometimes." --Ron Swanson
"I know for a fact that Ghostbusters isn't based on a true story, but you better believe I like to daydream about there
someday being a world where ghosts are shot with lasers and sucked into traps. That is truly a world I'd like to live in
one day." --Price Peterson
"A guy's worst fear for a romantic interaction is that it ends with a girl laughing at him. A girl's worst fear for a
romantic interaction is that it ends with a guy killing her." --Anonymous
"To a lot of people 100 subscribers is probably an insignificant number, but to me it means a lot. I just want to thank
you guys so much for your support. Some of you have been asking me...what's the next thing? Do you want to be on
Machinima? Do you want to be famous? It's a little early to talk about that stuff, but, no, I don't want to be famous."
"I don't blame PewDiePie for giving people what they want. I blame the people for wanting what he gives." --Anonymous
"Life is like a Porsche. It goes too fast. But that's okay, because you can't afford it anyway." --Garfield
"...A lot of you don't drink, no smoke. Some people here tonight, they don't eat butter; no salt, no sugar, no lard.
Cause they want to live, they give up that good stuff...Neckbones, pig tails. You gonna feel like a damn fool laying at
the hospital dying of nothing!" --Red Foxx
"I was thinking about buying a belt to support my pants. But then I thought, why? They never did anything for ME." --Red
"Shouldn't it have been called Planet Trek? You never once visited a star." --Troy Barnes to LeVar Burton
"In Capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, its just the opposite." --Anonymous
"Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." --Buddhist aphorism
"There's no pattern to the pebbles here. They're completely random. I tried to count them but you drove too fast.
Hummingbird." --River Tam
"[Lena Dunham] is not the voice of this generation. She's the voice of people who hate this generation." --Kyle Kallgren
"It's weird how I'm constantly surprised by the passage of time when it's literally the most predictable thing in the
"Commercials are running out of useful adjectives. Fake corn syrup chocolate is not "decadent". A breakfast fast food
sandwich is not "epic"." --Matthew Green
"One popular new feature on the Net is AI's Associated Press service. From anywhere on the Net you can log in and get
the news that's coming live over the wire or ask for all the items on a particular subject that have come in during the
last 24 hours. Plus a fortune cookie. Project that to household terminals, and so much for newspapers (in present
form)." --Stewart Brand describing the ARPANET in Rolling Stone magazine, 1972
"If you want to make enemies, try to change something." --Woodrow Wilson
"That's why we need Google in the delivery room. So when the parents are like 'I'm going to name you 'Khaleesi'' Google
can chime in 'Did you mean 'Katie?'" --Amy Schumer
"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong." --H. L. Mencken
"Valentine's Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do
not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be a second date." --Roger Ebert
"To call A Lot Like Love dead in the water is an insult to water." --Roger Ebert
"The Spirit is mannered to the point of madness. There is not a trace of human emotion in it. To call the characters
cardboard is to insult a useful packing material." --Roger Ebert
"Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time." --Roger Ebert
"Sex Drive is an exercise in versatile vulgarity. The actors seem to be performing a public reading of the film's
mastery of the subject. Not only are all the usual human reproductive and excretory functions evoked, but new and I
think probably impossible ones are included. This movie doesn't contain 'offensive language.' The offensive language
contains the movie." --Roger Ebert
"If you want to save yourself the ticket price(of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), go into the kitchen, cue up a
male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and
use your imagination." --Roger Ebert
"The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.
The laws of chance suggest that something should have gone right. Not here. It puts a nail in the coffin of low-rent 3D,
but it will need a lot more coffins than that. --Roger Ebert
"To call it (The Village) an anticlimax would be an insult not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret,
about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do
discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and
rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go
down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash register into our pockets." --Roger Ebert
"According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los
Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat
by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male
Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category
for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."
Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open
letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein, I decided to do some research to find out what awards you
have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ...
Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous
Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."
Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good
at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los
Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.
Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks.
But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified
to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in
"Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the
Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your
movie sucks." --Roger Ebert
"Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and
love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents,
chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers." --Socrates, 4th Century
"Like, of course, of course children who have nut allergies need to be protected. Of course. We have to segregate their
food from nuts, have their medication available at all times, and anybody who manufactures or serves food needs to be
aware of deadly nut allergies. Of COURSE. BUT MAYBE. Maybe if touching a nut kills you...You're SUPPOSED to die."
"If you don't find someone interesting, you're asking them the wrong questions." --Matt Mullenweg
The kind of man who demands that government enforce his ideas is always the kind whose ideas are idiotic. --H.L.
"If you are looking to create an environment free of conflict, removing the humans from it is a great way to start." --
"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else's." --Billy Wilder
"Americans are taught from moment one that we're the Greatest Country in the History of Humanity™. We're also taught
that the reason we're the Greatest Country in the History of Humanity™ is because anyone can make it here if they try.
What being taught both of those things does is inexorably lead to the conclusion that those in poverty deserve their
misery. Because they deserve their misery, it is therefore not just beyond our responsibility to provide a safety net
for them, but providing them things like worker protections, paid sick leave, basic medical care, and above all fair pay
is thus actively unethical. Give a man a fish and he'll become an unending burden on the limited resources of the state.
Teach a man to fish and you've placed the burden for his education on those who have no responsibility to help him he
should be able to figure out for himself how to fish, and if he can't, well, that's not our problem." --C.A. Pinkham
"My cousin's wedding vows were 'I love you more than I love tacos.' Which made his wife cry, because she knows how much
he loves tacos." --Anonymous
"The internet is this place where everyone wants to appear smart and the only way to do that without actually putting in
any effort is to attack blatant flaws." --Anonymous
"When I was 16 in Hawaii I decided to hitch for a ride home and was picked up by a mime in full costume (true story, I
swear!) . He said not one single word the whole entire ride and when I was down the street from my house I told him to
stop so I can get out. He stopped and while I was getting out of the car he stared right at me and said "don't ever
hitchhike again!" and drove off. I was so freaked out I never hitchhiked again after that." --Anonymous
"The most dejected I've ever been in my life was a brief period in 1988 when a lady I loved very much died
unexpectedly and I mean unexpectedly. Did not see that one coming. No one did. So I got all sad and upset and down and I
stopped writing I have to be really bad off to not write and I sat around my house for a few days, talking to no
one, staring at bad TV and only eating what I had in my cupboard. Then two realizations, one on top of the other, lifted
the whole thing off me.
One came when I was watching a rerun of some old cop show. I think it was a Hawaii Five-O. Someone was planning the
funeral of a murder victim and they said, referring to some preparation, "She would have wanted it like this." That
phrase hit me like a two-by-four to the kisser. When someone dies, we take it as a sign of respect for the deceased to
do what they would have wanted. Well, I realized, my loved one wouldn't have wanted me sitting around all day, eating
tuna sandwiches and watching Jack Lord play cop. That was one of the reasons she was a loved one because she cared so
much about my welfare.
Half of my despair went away at that moment and the other half followed soon after.
The liberation I felt over the first part got me to thinking about my general numbness and I got to asking myself, "Why
do I feel like this?" The only answer I could come up with went roughly as follows: "Because you lost a loved one and
this is how you're supposed to feel when that happens."
I don't often talk to myself but at that moment, I told me, "That's not a good enough reason. No law says you have to
feel the way you think you're supposed to feel. And besides, you know you're going to get over this sooner or later. Why
not save time and make it sooner? At the very least, you'll eat better." By that evening, I was writing again." --Mark
"In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be replaced by new altered negatives.
This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten." --George Lucas
"Your dreams can become nightmares, but they become dreams again in the end." --James Rolfe
"Like a true American, I love all things Disney. Mostly because all things are owned by Disney." --Stephen Colbert
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."
"It's so much harder to hate someone when they're a real person instead of an avatar of some faceless idea." --Anonymous
"Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases: 1- It's
completely impossible. 2- It's possible, but it's not worth doing. 3- I said it was a good idea all along." --Arthur C.
"The good guys ALWAYS win. Even in the 80's!" --Ace Hunter, MegaForce
"Can I say something about destiny? Screw destiny! If this evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it
until we whoop it. 'Cause destiny is just another word for inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up,
look it in the eye, and say 'You're evitable!'" --Fred, Angel
"Like Mr. Krabs says: It's now or never!" --Spongebob Squarepants
"When does he say that?" --Patrick Star
"Usually on his way to the men's room." --Spongebob Squarepants
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