"In those days spirits
were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were
real women, and small furry
creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures
from Alpha Centauri." --Douglas Adams
I got a great dirty trick you can play on a three-year-old
kid
Whenever youre around him, talk wrong. So now its
like his first day in school and he raises his hand, May I
mambo dogface to the banana patch? --Steve Martin
"What your competitors are doing is far less important than
Why they're doing it, or Why it's working." --Scott John
Siegel
"A person of good intelligence and sensitivity cannot exist
in this society very long without having some anger about
the inequality -- and its not just a bleeding-heart,
knee-jerk, liberal kind of a thing -- it is just a normal human
reaction to a nonsensical set of values where we have cinnamon
flavored dental floss and there are people sleeping in
the street." --George Carlin
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups." --George Carlin
"Remember how stupid the average person is, then realize
half of them are stupider then that." --George Carlin
"George Carlin -- less of a comedian, more like a
prophet." --Daniel Tosh
"Even Fidel Castro, a longtime Coke drinker, contributed to
the backlash, calling New Coke a sign of American capitalist
decadence. (The Coke CEO's) own father expressed similar
misgivings to his son, who later recalled that it was the only
time the older man had agreed with Castro, whose rule he had fled
Cuba to avoid." --Wikipedia's New Coke page
"Today I bought a garage in Warsaw, landed in a dust storm
on Mars and killed a dragon. Thank you videogames." --Jeff
Minter
"This is the Sarah Palin of the future!" --Conan
O'Brien upon seeing Bayonetta
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news,
my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will
always find people who are helping.'" --Fred Rogers
"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in
long-shot." --Charlie Chaplin
"You do not have a soul; you are a soul. You have a
body." --C.S. Lewis
"If theres a book you want to read, but it hasnt
been written yet, then you must write it." --Toni Morrison
"Mode 7? More like...Goat Heaven!" --JonTron
"Nintendo, why are you so....you?
It's adorable at times but sometimes it feels like Nintendo
doesn't understand how things work outside their company.
Like they live in their own pocket universe and find the real
world to be utterly foreign and sometimes terrifying to
approach." --Anonymous
"I just like the stuff that I like. I don't care where the
stuff that I like comes from." --Patton Oswalt
"You only live once, but if you do it right, once is
enough." --Mae West
"I'll try anything at least once, twice if I like it. Three
times to be sure." --Mae West
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people
and astonish the rest." --Mark Twain
Being a geek is all about being honest about what you enjoy
and not being afraid to demonstrate that affection. It
means never having to play it cool about how much you like
something. Its basically a license to proudly emote on a
somewhat childish level rather than behave like a supposed adult.
Being a geek is extremely liberating. --Anonymous
"Never apologize for being nerdy, because non-nerdy people
never apologize for being a*******." --John Barrowman
"DC/WB is all like 'Wonder Woman's too confusing for a
movie!' and Marvel/Disney is all like 'Here's a raccoon with a
machine gun.'" --Brett White
"I never lose sight of the fact that just being is
fun." --Katharine Hepburn
"If Comcast was a man, I would punch him in the face."
--Anonymous
"If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara
Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand."
--Milton
Friedman
"Censorship is getting rid of steak because a toddler cannot
chew it." --Mark Twain
"I quite enjoy ingesting calories with you." --Milla,
Tales of Xillia
"The great thing about self-publishing is that anyone can
publish. The bad thing about self-publishing is ANYONE can
publish." --Anonymous
"Ann, you cunning, pliable, chestnut-haired sunfish."
--Leslie Knope
"You are what you settle for." --Janis Joplin
I liked when you were riding on the bike, and thanks for
not dying. --child's letter to ET, 1983
"Do you think that people will be using DVRs in the Mad Max
post-apocalypse desert wasteland? There's a reason they're
listening to phonographs and watching film strips in the future.
Older stuff lasts longer." --Witney Seibold
"Regret for wasted time is more wasted time." --Mason
Cooley
"In all of mankind's history, there has never been more
damage done than by people who thought they were doing the right
thing." --Lucy van Pelt
"For all you know, a witch might be living next door to you
right now. Or she might be the woman with the bright eyes
who sat opposite you on the bus this morning. She might be the
lady with the dazzling smile who offered you a sweet from
a white paper bag in the street before lunch. She might even
and this will make you jump she might even be your
lovely school-teacher who is reading these words to you at this
very moment. Look at that teacher. Perhaps she is
smiling at the absurdity of such a suggestion. Don't let that put
you off. It could be part of her cleverness. I am not,
of course, telling you for one second that your teacher actually
is a witch. All I am saying is that she might be one.
It is most unlikely. But and here comes the big
"but" it is not impossible." --Roald Dahl
"I love drugs. Do you?"
"No, incest and murder are my things."
"Let's kill someone just for fun..."
"Can I torture them?"
"Why not?"
"Can I drown them? Wait, of course I can, I'm God."
"Take yours hands off him, @#!**! He's my wife!"
--word balloons from a Jack Chick version of the Noah story
"Consider how odd it would be if all we knew about elephants
had been written by elephants. Would we recognise one? What
elephant author would describe or perhaps even perceive
the features which are common to all elephants? We would
find ourselves detecting these from indirect clues; for instance,
elephant-naturalists would surely tell us that all
other animals suffer from noselessness, which obliges them to use
their paws in an unnatural way. [...] So when the
human male describes his world he maps its distances from his
unspoken natural center of reference, himself. He calls a
swamp "impenetrable," a dog "loyal" and a
woman "short."
The only animal who can observe man from the outside is of course
the human female: we women who live in his house, in
his shadow, on his planet. And it is important that we do this.
This incompletely known animal conditions every aspect
of our individual lives and holds the destruction of Earth in his
hands." --Alice Sheldon
"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will
teach you to keep your mouth shut." --Ernest Hemingway
"How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a
lightbulb? .......One. You hold the bulb and wait for the world
to
revolve around you!" --Anonymous
"I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs. I think
the puppet on the left is more to my liking. Hey, wait a
minute, there's one guy holding up both puppets!" --Bill
Hicks
"A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its
opponents and making them see the light, but rather because
its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that
is familiar with it." --Max Planck
"Why be prejudiced against people because of their race or
nationality or religion, when there are so many real reasons
to hate others?" --Emo Philips
"**** off, you giant sentient fart." --Allison Pregler
"Dude, sucking at something is the first step toward being
sorta good at something." --Jake the Dog
"Can we stop pandering to twelve year olds and ignoring
their parents? The parents are the ones who actually have
jobs."
--Jennie Stilton
"There is no such thing as a true "free market".
If there were, we'd perhaps be down to 2 corporations right now,
and
each one would own 50% of everything, and we'd all be paid a
dollar a day." --Anonymous
"Belief in a cruel God makes a cruel man." --Thomas
Paine
"I feel bad when I see a [video game development] team
asking for $150k on Kickstarter & players asking why it
doesn't
cost $10k. When in reality it will cost $600k." --Daniel
Cook
"I was at a party where John Stamos was there and he was so
drunk/stoned that he walked right into the glass door to the
balcony and fell smack on his ass. He must have been on the
ground for a good 5 seconds, just lying there in complete
silence. He then got up and sauntered away, acting like nothing
had happened." --Anonymous
"I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned
his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk
sometimes." --Ron Swanson
"I know for a fact that Ghostbusters isn't based on a true
story, but you better believe I like to daydream about there
someday being a world where ghosts are shot with lasers and
sucked into traps. That is truly a world I'd like to live in
one day." --Price Peterson
"A guy's worst fear for a romantic interaction is that it
ends with a girl laughing at him. A girl's worst fear for a
romantic interaction is that it ends with a guy killing
her." --Anonymous
"To a lot of people 100 subscribers is probably an
insignificant number, but to me it means a lot. I just want to
thank
you guys so much for your support. Some of you have been asking
me...what's the next thing? Do you want to be on
Machinima? Do you want to be famous? It's a little early to talk
about that stuff, but, no, I don't want to be famous."
--PewDiePie, 2010
"I don't blame PewDiePie for giving people what they want. I
blame the people for wanting what he gives." --Anonymous
"Life is like a Porsche. It goes too fast. But that's okay,
because you can't afford it anyway." --Garfield
"...A lot of you don't drink, no smoke. Some people here
tonight, they don't eat butter; no salt, no sugar, no lard.
Cause they want to live, they give up that good
stuff...Neckbones, pig tails. You gonna feel like a damn fool
laying at
the hospital dying of nothing!" --Red Foxx
"I was thinking about buying a belt to support my pants. But
then I thought, why? They never did anything for ME." --Red
Skelton
"Shouldn't it have been called Planet Trek? You never once
visited a star." --Troy Barnes to LeVar Burton
"In Capitalism, man exploits man. In Communism, its just the
opposite." --Anonymous
"Holding on to resentment is like drinking poison and
waiting for the other person to die." --Buddhist aphorism
"There's no pattern to the pebbles here. They're completely
random. I tried to count them but you drove too fast.
Hummingbird." --River Tam
"[Lena Dunham] is not the voice of this generation. She's
the voice of people who hate this generation." --Kyle
Kallgren
"It's weird how I'm constantly surprised by the passage of
time when it's literally the most predictable thing in the
universe." --XKCD
"Commercials are running out of useful adjectives. Fake corn
syrup chocolate is not "decadent". A breakfast fast
food
sandwich is not "epic"." --Matthew Green
"One popular new feature on the Net is AI's Associated Press
service. From anywhere on the Net you can log in and get
the news that's coming live over the wire or ask for all the
items on a particular subject that have come in during the
last 24 hours. Plus a fortune cookie. Project that to household
terminals, and so much for newspapers (in present
form)." --Stewart Brand describing the ARPANET in Rolling
Stone magazine, 1972
"If you want to make enemies, try to change something."
--Woodrow Wilson
"That's why we need Google in the delivery room. So when the
parents are like 'I'm going to name you 'Khaleesi'' Google
can chime in 'Did you mean 'Katie?'" --Amy Schumer
"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear,
simple, and wrong." --H. L. Mencken
"Valentine's Day is being marketed as a Date Movie. I
think it's more of a First-Date Movie. If your date likes it, do
not date that person again. And if you like it, there may not be
a second date." --Roger Ebert
"To call A Lot Like Love dead in the water is an insult to
water." --Roger Ebert
"The Spirit is mannered to the point of madness. There is
not a trace of human emotion in it. To call the characters
cardboard is to insult a useful packing material." --Roger
Ebert
"Battlefield Earth is like taking a bus trip with someone
who has needed a bath for a long time." --Roger Ebert
"Sex Drive is an exercise in versatile vulgarity. The actors
seem to be performing a public reading of the film's
mastery of the subject. Not only are all the usual human
reproductive and excretory functions evoked, but new and I
think probably impossible ones are included. This movie doesn't
contain 'offensive language.' The offensive language
contains the movie." --Roger Ebert
"If you want to save yourself the ticket price(of
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen), go into the kitchen, cue up
a
male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start
banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and
use your imagination." --Roger Ebert
"The Last Airbender is an agonizing experience in every
category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented.
The laws of chance suggest that something should have gone right.
Not here. It puts a nail in the coffin of low-rent 3D,
but it will need a lot more coffins than that. --Roger
Ebert
"To call it (The Village) an anticlimax would be an insult
not only to climaxes but to prefixes. It's a crummy secret,
about one step up the ladder of narrative originality from It Was
All a Dream. It's so witless, in fact, that when we do
discover the secret, we want to rewind the film so we don't know
the secret anymore. And then keep on rewinding, and
rewinding, until we're back at the beginning, and can get up from
our seats and walk backward out of the theater and go
down the up escalator and watch the money spring from the cash
register into our pockets." --Roger Ebert
"According to a story by Larry Carroll of MTV News, Rob
Schneider took offense when Patrick Goldstein of the Los
Angeles Times listed this year's Best Picture Nominees and wrote
that they were "ignored, unloved and turned down flat
by most of the same studios that ... bankroll hundreds of
sequels, including a follow-up to 'Deuce Bigalow: Male
Gigolo,' a film that was sadly overlooked at Oscar time because
apparently nobody had the foresight to invent a category
for Best Running Penis Joke Delivered by a Third-Rate Comic."
Schneider retaliated by attacking Goldstein in full-page ads in
Daily Variety and the Hollywood Reporter. In an open
letter to Goldstein, Schneider wrote: "Well, Mr. Goldstein,
I decided to do some research to find out what awards you
have won. I went online and found that you have won nothing.
Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind ...
Maybe you didn't win a Pulitzer Prize because they haven't
invented a category for Best Third-Rate, Unfunny Pompous
Reporter Who's Never Been Acknowledged by His Peers."
Reading this, I was about to observe that Schneider can dish it
out but he can't take it. Then I found he's not so good
at dishing it out, either. I went online and found that Patrick
Goldstein has won a National Headliner Award, a Los
Angeles Press Club Award, a RockCritics.com award, and the
Publicists' Guild award for lifetime achievement.
Schneider was nominated for a 2000 Razzie Award for Worst
Supporting Actor, but lost to Jar-Jar Binks.
But Schneider is correct, and Patrick Goldstein has not yet won a
Pulitzer Prize. Therefore, Goldstein is not qualified
to complain that Columbia financed "Deuce Bigalow: European
Gigolo" while passing on the opportunity to participate in
"Million Dollar Baby," "Ray," "The
Aviator," "Sideways" and "Finding
Neverland." As chance would have it, I have won the
Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official
capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your
movie sucks." --Roger Ebert
"Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt
for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and
love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when
elders enter the room; they contradict their parents,
chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their
teachers." --Socrates, 4th Century
"Like, of course, of course children who have nut allergies
need to be protected. Of course. We have to segregate their
food from nuts, have their medication available at all times, and
anybody who manufactures or serves food needs to be
aware of deadly nut allergies. Of COURSE. BUT MAYBE. Maybe if
touching a nut kills you...You're SUPPOSED to die."
--Louis CK
"If you don't find someone interesting, you're asking them
the wrong questions." --Matt Mullenweg
The kind of man who demands that government enforce his
ideas is always the kind whose ideas are idiotic. --H.L.
Mencken
"If you are looking to create an environment free of
conflict, removing the humans from it is a great way to
start." --
Jerry Holkins
"Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be
your own, instead of someone else's." --Billy Wilder
"Americans are taught from moment one that we're the
Greatest Country in the History of Humanity™. We're also
taught
that the reason we're the Greatest Country in the History of
Humanity™ is because anyone can make it here if they try.
What being taught both of those things does is inexorably lead to
the conclusion that those in poverty deserve their
misery. Because they deserve their misery, it is therefore not
just beyond our responsibility to provide a safety net
for them, but providing them things like worker protections, paid
sick leave, basic medical care, and above all fair pay
is thus actively unethical. Give a man a fish and he'll become an
unending burden on the limited resources of the state.
Teach a man to fish and you've placed the burden for his
education on those who have no responsibility to help him
he
should be able to figure out for himself how to fish, and if he
can't, well, that's not our problem." --C.A. Pinkham
"My cousin's wedding vows were 'I love you more than I love
tacos.' Which made his wife cry, because she knows how much
he loves tacos." --Anonymous
"The internet is this place where everyone wants to appear
smart and the only way to do that without actually putting in
any effort is to attack blatant flaws." --Anonymous
"When I was 16 in Hawaii I decided to hitch for a ride home
and was picked up by a mime in full costume (true story, I
swear!) . He said not one single word the whole entire ride and
when I was down the street from my house I told him to
stop so I can get out. He stopped and while I was getting out of
the car he stared right at me and said "don't ever
hitchhike again!" and drove off. I was so freaked out I
never hitchhiked again after that." --Anonymous
"The most dejected I've ever been in my life was a brief
period in 1988 when a lady I loved very much died
unexpectedly
and I mean unexpectedly. Did not see that one
coming. No one did. So I got all sad and upset and down and I
stopped writing I have to be really bad off to not write
and I sat around my house for a few days, talking to no
one, staring at bad TV and only eating what I had in my cupboard.
Then two realizations, one on top of the other, lifted
the whole thing off me.
One came when I was watching a rerun of some old cop show. I
think it was a Hawaii Five-O. Someone was planning the
funeral of a murder victim and they said, referring to some
preparation, "She would have wanted it like this." That
phrase hit me like a two-by-four to the kisser. When someone
dies, we take it as a sign of respect for the deceased to
do what they would have wanted. Well, I realized, my loved one
wouldn't have wanted me sitting around all day, eating
tuna sandwiches and watching Jack Lord play cop. That was one of
the reasons she was a loved one
because she cared so
much about my welfare.
Half of my despair went away at that moment and the other half
followed soon after.
The liberation I felt over the first part got me to thinking
about my general numbness and I got to asking myself, "Why
do I feel like this?" The only answer I could come up with
went roughly as follows: "Because you lost a loved one and
this is how you're supposed to feel when that happens."
I don't often talk to myself but at that moment, I told me,
"That's not a good enough reason. No law says you have to
feel the way you think you're supposed to feel. And besides, you
know you're going to get over this sooner or later. Why
not save time and make it sooner? At the very least, you'll eat
better." By that evening, I was writing again." --Mark
Evanier
"In the future it will become even easier for old negatives
to become lost and be replaced by new altered
negatives.
This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history
must not be allowed to be rewritten." --George Lucas
"Your dreams can become nightmares, but they become dreams
again in the end." --James Rolfe
"Like a true American, I love all things Disney. Mostly
because all things are owned by Disney." --Stephen
Colbert
"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark;
the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the
light."
--Plato
"It's so much harder to hate someone when they're a real
person instead of an avatar of some faceless idea."
--Anonymous
"Every revolutionary idea seems to evoke three stages of
reaction. They may be summed up by the phrases: 1- It's
completely impossible. 2- It's possible, but it's not worth
doing. 3- I said it was a good idea all along." --Arthur C.
Clarke
"The good guys ALWAYS win. Even in the 80's!" --Ace
Hunter, MegaForce
"Can I say something about destiny? Screw destiny! If this
evil thing comes we'll fight it, and we'll keep fighting it
until we whoop it. 'Cause destiny is just another word for
inevitable and nothing's inevitable as long as you stand up,
look it in the eye, and say 'You're evitable!'" --Fred,
Angel
"Like Mr. Krabs says: It's now or never!" --Spongebob
Squarepants
"When does he say that?" --Patrick Star
"Usually on his way to the men's room." --Spongebob
Squarepants