"dear america:
I see your sparkly vampires and raise you one time lord.
I think we win.
sincerely, Britain"
--Anonymous Internet signature
"My job is so f****** unbelievable.
I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work
with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she
is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The
girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is
extremely self-centered and has never once considered
the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box
of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has
enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one
of the smartest people on the planet. Her career
opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a
zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even
showers, much less shaves her womanly parts. I think she might be
a lesbian, because every time we drive by the
hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the f****** stoner. And
this guy is more than just your average pothead. In
fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm
sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime
in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a
beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse,
he brings his big f****** dog to work. Every f****** day I have
to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned
from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's
trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of
them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds
and Burger King, every single f****** day.
Anyway, I drive these f***tards around in my van and we solve
mysteries and s***."
--Anonymous
"I was looking at George Takei's Facebook page and saw a
picture he took with someone. I thought to myself, 'Who's
that old lady?' Then I realized it was Steven Tyler. "
--Eileen Cruz
"You know how CEOs get to where they are?
They act like they love you and are the best person in the world,
but they are
ready to eat your babies and set your house on fire."
--GameFAQS Message Boards
"Jeff Megall: Sony has a futuristic sci-fi movie they're
looking to make.
Nick Naylor: Cigarettes in space?
Jeff Megall: It's the final frontier, Nick.
Nick Naylor: But wouldn't they blow up in an all-oxygen
environment?
Jeff Megall: Probably. But it's an easy fix. One line of
dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the...you know, whatever
device.' "
--Thank You For Not Smoking
"Merry Christmas. Unless 'Merry Christmas' offends you for
absolutely no reason, in which case.....Merry Christmas."
--Phelan Porteous
"GUESTS AT THE ROSIE O'DONNELL SHOW STAY AT LE PARKER
MERIDIEN FEATURING BREATHTAKING
VIEWS OF CENTRAL PARK AND THE NEW YORK SKYLINE LE PARKER MERIDIEN
UPTOWN NOT UPTIGHT."
--Rosie O'Donnell
"I still insist that somewhere out there, there is an
alternate universe where we complain how horrible the 2+ seasons
of Firefly got, while also being bitter that we only got
one season of Heroes."
--Anonymous
"My first girlfriend turned into the moon."
"That's rough, buddy."
--Avatar: The Last Airbender
"Life isn’t divided into genres. It’s a
horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy
detective novel.
You know, with a bit of pornography, if you're lucky."
--Alan Moore
"Some people think I'm a turkey. But I'm a chicken, got it?
Ya beef jerky!"
--PaRappa The Rapper
"Don't cry over spilled milk, get angry and punch a
cow!"
--Stephen Colbert
"ALIEN -- they say it's structural perfection's matched only
by its hostility
Even artificial persons are impressed
It preys on men
Don't need no special suit don't need no nukes
And don't need no artillery to rip right through your chest
Aliens gestate inside a living human host and have some
concentrated acid for blood
They mostly come at night. Mostly.
Their fate depends on whether there's an airlock, whether they're
in space, or whether there's a chick who's just too
fast to be cut. But the pros have come to fight. But the pros
see...
They have to get off LV-426
And nuke it from orbit, like Corporal Hicks, cause we know...
Whoever said that there's no real monsters
Never battled with an alien
Throwing down for the company, it's something we've never seen
before
Bringing war to xenomorphs this time."
--Lyrics to a metal song in the end credits
of an Aliens-themed DS game
"I heard of one guy who started dumpster diving on the
weekends. This gave him a break from his wife, and due to his
strange odor, she avoided him upon his return home. This allowed
his mind to recover and ultimately saved his marriage."
--Anonymous
“There is a principle which is a bar against all
information, which is proof against all arguments and which
cannot fail
to keep a man in everlasting ignorance — that principle is
contempt prior to investigation.”
--Herbert Spencer
"The best (worst) story I've ever heard about something like
that is from the author George Alec Effinger: He was in a
used bookstore, so he naturally checked to see if they had any of
his own stuff. They did; a complete set of his works
till that point, in mint first editions, autographed even.
Curious, he opened one up and realized it was the copy he had
personally inscribed for his (ex)wife. So were all the others.
She traded them all in for store credit.
Poor guy never had any luck at all."
--Anonymous
"No one gets in without being asked. And with her untamable
hair, large forehead, and gawky body, Tookie De La Crème
isn't expecting an invitation. Modelland -- the exclusive,
mysterious place on top of the mountain -- never dares to make an
appearance in her dreams.
But someone has plans for Tookie. Before she can blink her
mismatched eyes, Tookie finds herself in the very place
every girl in the world obsesses about. And three unlikely girls
have joined her.
Only seven extraordinary young women become Intoxibellas each
year. Famous. Worshipped. Magical. What happens to
those who don't make it? Well, no one really speaks of that. Some
things are better left unsaid.
Thrown into a world where she doesn't seem to belong, Tookie
glimpses a future that could be hers -- if she survives
the beastly Catwalk Corridor and terrifying Thigh-High Boot Camp.
Or could it? Dark rumors like silken threads swirl
around the question of why Tookie and her new friends were
selected . . . and the shadows around Modelland hide sinister
secrets.
Are you ready? Modelland is waiting for you. . . ."
--the dust jacket of a young adult novel
written by Tyra Banks
"It is true that we are weak and sick and ugly and
quarrelsome but if that is all we ever were, we would millenniums
ago
have disappeared from the face of the earth."
--John Steinbeck
"It's not, uh, it's not racist. Guys, it's 21st century
racism. It's racism in light of itself. The only reason I'm
saying
these things is because the stigmas about race are already there.
And I'm just playing off of that. And they understand
that. So if after the show, you see like a black guy beating me
up, he's doing it ironically, okay?"
--Bo Burnham
"Don't ask me to stir the pot, I'll ruin it."
"You can't ruin it."
"Yes I can! I have powers."
"You can't ruin it."
"Once I was watching the Barefoot Contessa making a souffle
and it fell! She looked out the TV and said 'Gilmore, was that
you?'"
--Gilmore Girls
"But you gotta give Rob Liefeld credit for being equal
opportunity, his men have big boobs too."
--Anonymous
“You're dead if you aim only for kids. Adults are only kids
grown up, anyway.”
--Walt Disney
"When I became a man I put away childish things, including
the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown
up."
--C.S. Lewis
"This movie is giving me current traumatic stress
disorder."
--MST3K
"Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."
--Batman costume warning label
"I've tried pursuing happiness. Happiness sought a
restraining order."
--Anonymous
"Lois. Lois. Lois. Lois. Mom. Mom. Mom.
Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.
Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma. Ma. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mum. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama."
--Stewie Griffin
"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living
thing can go against it."
--G. K. Chesterton
"Why do you keep calling him 'Donald Trump'? The man's name
is Biff Tannen!"
--Anonymous
"Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor
and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect
each from the other."
--Oscar Ameringer
"Relativity applies to physics, not ethics."
--Albert Einstein
"There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by
reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have
to pee on the electric fence for themselves."
--Will Rogers
"You don't have sex near unicorns. It's an ironclad rule.
It's tacky."
--J.K. Rowling
"The money I owe you is on the kitchen counter - I'll leave
the backdoor unlocked while I'm at work today so you can
come get it anytime."
--Public Facebook post
"You don't know what a funyarinpa is? That's blasphemous!
Apologize at once! Apologize to the funyarinpa!"
--Junpei, Nine Hours Nine Persons Nine
Doors
"Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does."
--Regina Brett
"The more I know people, the more I love my dog."
--Mark Twain
"If I got a dollar every time someone told me to name my
future kid 'Batmo' I'd almost have enough to pay for therapy
for a kid named Batmo."
--Jessica Biel
"A decade ago I was involved with a gal that hated the fact
that my day-to-day clothing ensembles usually consisted of
jeans or bdu pants, t-shirts, and an over shirt. She'd try to get
me to dress more fashionably and I'd steadfastly
refuse to buy or wear anything trendy. Anyway, we've been dating
for long enough that she wants me to meet her parents
and she invites me to a weird semi-formal family reunion dinner
that they're having one Saturday afternoon. Her mind is
blown when I show up in a nice black suit, red dress shirt, and
black silk tie. For most of the afternoon, she's elated
and her parents, though polite, are very stuck-up and seem only
able to compliment me on my clothes and not much else.
As the affair draws to a close, my girlfriend suggests that we
ought to go out to eat at a fancy restaurant and have a
night out. I shoot her down by saying, 'Sorry, I can't. I've got
to attend my live-action Vampire game later and there's
no way I'm missing it since I'm finally in position to
destabilize the city's political power structure. Besides, I've
been wearing my costume all day.' That was pretty much the end of
that relationship..."
--Topless Robot, "How Your
Nerdiness Has Screwed Up Your Love Life."
"One lab accident away from being a supervillain."
--Leonard describing Sheldon in The Big
Bang Theory
"Time hates me. Time wants to cut my dick off and feed it to
Minutes the Dog."
--Matt Caracappa
"If none of this impressed you, you can always open your VMU
up. Look! It says 'potato' in there!"
--Rinry
"I remember when I first came to Washington. For the first
six months you wonder how the hell you ever got here. For the
next six months you wonder how the hell the rest of them ever got
here."
--Harry S. Truman
"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not
know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty'."
--Theodore Roosevelt
"On the way to the gym the other day, I noticed that its
parking garage had a banner announcing that it had won an
award. It was an award-winning parking garage. I realized the
parking garage was now more successful than me, and began
to feel envious of it."
--Anonymous
"A CEO, a tea partier, and a longshoreman are all sitting at
a table with 15 cookies in the middle. The CEO takes 14
cookies and tells the tea partier "Hey! He's trying to steal
your cookie!"
--Anonymous
"AstroTurf! You know who's responsible for that? The
JEWS.... Jews hate grass. Always have. Always will."
--George Costanza
"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act
responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the
laws."
--Plato
"Actually, I do like pink clothes, but it's not because I'm
girly, it's because I'm the reincarnation of Oscar Wilde."
--Mara Wilson
"The fact is that cinema did not kill theatre, television
did not kill cinema, video games have yet to viciously murder
books, home recording did not kill music and video did not kill
the radio star. Media and entertainment industries are
ecosystems that accommodate an extraordinary range of different
kinds of product and different business models -- and
that is not ever going to change. The idea that one form of
entertainment, one form of business model or even one form
of distribution will emerge to Rule Them All, is simply an
idiot's fantasy."
--Rob Fahey
"Can I court you? I have most of my teeth and I can do 2
pushups……..Barry"
--OK Cupid message, followed up by
"how about 3 pushups?" and later "how about 4
pushups?"
"Well, what if there is no tomorrow? There wasn't one
today."
--Groundhog Day
"Everybody deals with grief differently, right? Some people
f*** at funerals; I cut off heads."
--Travis Touchdown
"No matter how cruel the comedy, you have to like someone on
a program to keep watching, unless you just love frying
bugs with a magnifying glass."
--Tim Grierson
"Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that
I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Most of the laugh tracks on television were recorded in the
early 1950s. These days, most of the people you hear
laughing are dead."
--Chuck Palahniuk
"In working with some of the younger staff members, and when
they have a question on a project and say, "I don't know
who to go to to find the answer to this question," I'm
always the type that says, "Well, if you don't know who has
the
answer, then simply make the answer yourself."
--Shigeru Miyamoto
"I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's
bull****!"
--Mel Brooks
“You cannot see what I see because you see what you see. You
cannot know what I know because you know what you know.
What I see and what I know cannot be added to what you see and
what you know because they are not of the same kind.
Neither can it replace what you see and what you know, because
that would be to replace you yourself."
--Douglas Adams
"I would never join a country club with standards so low as
to allow me as a member."
--Groucho Marx
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know the reason why
it was put up."
--G.K. Chesterton
"I'm sorry, but Hell is not the good life
the rich and powerful claim it to be."
--Anonymous
"Women want older men because they think they're more
mature. We're not, we just get better at pretending."
--Anonymous
"My friends, each of you is a single cell
in the great body of the State. And today, that great body has
purged itself
of parasites. We have triumphed over the unprincipled
dissemination of fact. The thugs and wreckers have been cast out.
And the poisonous weeds of disinformation have been consigned to
the dustbin of history. Let each and every cell
rejoice! For today we celebrate the first, glorious anniversary
of the Information Purification Directive. We have
created, for the first time in all history, a garden of pure
ideology, where each worker may bloom secure from the pests
of contradictory and confusing truths. Our Unification of Thought
is a more powerful weapon than any fleet or army on
earth. We are one people. With one will. One resolve. One cause.
Our enemies shall talk themselves to death. And we will
bury them with their own confusion. We shall prevail!
On January 24, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh and
you’ll see why 1984 won't be like 1984."
--Announcer
"Every day above ground is a good
day."
--old colloquialism