Compiled by me, plus Peter Garcia, someone in Australia whom I do not know the name of despite knowing him online since 2001, and several other people
Compiled by me, plus Peter Garcia, someone in Australia whom
I do not know the name of despite knowing him online since 2001,
and several other people
"Oh no! He didn't make
it!"
"And he squashed our boy!"
--Free Willy director's cut, The Simpsons
"Once I thought I was wrong,
but I was mistaken."
--Anonymous
"Kneel before the hamster
that serves up flaming white-hot spheres of justice."
--Print ad for Kirby's Dreamland 2
"I'm highly opposed to sex on
the TV. I've tried it. But I fell off!"
--Jerry "The King"
"Do you really want your kids
to grow up to be you?"
--an actual sign on a day care center lawn
"People come up with stupid
ideas all the time. That's why your detergent tells you not to
eat it."
--Seanbaby
"GEORGE WASHINGTON WORE
WOODEN PANTS!"
--Weekly World News
"If you're going to insist on
making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you
have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see
what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie."
--Bill Maher
“Movies are so rarely great
art that if we cannot appreciate great trash we have very little
reason to be interested in them."
--Pauline Kael
"Chaplin had plenty of fart
jokes, you just couldn't hear them."
--Anonymous
"Finally proof that the WWE
is real as the writers strike did not have any effect on
it!"
--from IGN's comments section
"Drown to death in puke!!
Don't you think that's an incredibly masculine taunt to throw at
you??"
--Belch, Earthbound
"The trouble with having an
open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it."
--Terry Pratchett
"The existence of
flamethrowers says that someone, somewhere, at sometime said 'I
need to set that thing on fire, but it's too far away.'"
--Anonymous
"Fear? Ha! I laugh in the
face of Fear! I party with Peril! Once I snapped a wet towel at
Terror, then put itching powder in its shorts!"
--Nester
"It must be autumn in New
York. I saw a nut gathering squirrels."
--David Letterman
"Gamers like to complain. A
lot. It's sort of what we do."
--GamesRadar.com
"Miyamoto got the inspiration
for Pikmin from his garden. What kind of garden?"
--defunct game magazine GMR
"Nintendo's new president
announced the company's desire to eventually go the way of Sega
and begin making games for all platforms...including the Xbox.
What he didn't announce is the company's preference for working
with the Xbox. Nintendo isn't exactly enamored with Sony and they
realize that strong Nintendo support for the Xbox could change
the tides of the console wars. Unfortunately, none of this is
happening anytime soon. By the year 2005 we will have a Miyamoto
game on the Xbox."
--Official Xbox Magazine, rumor page, 2002
"Mommy, what are those two
Sega machines doing?"
--the actual headline on the 32X's magazine ad
"They really need to clean
that 7-Up logo. The Spot's dead body has been there for years.
It's sick."
--Anonymous
"The soup is only like a buck
forty-three, you can't beat that. And I get tired of people
telling me there's cat in there. Even if it is, then that's some
damn good cat. So there."
--Polas on
chinese food
"If you see an empire, it is
evil. Destroy it."
--someone who calls himself "Swimmy" on the Internet
"Samus doesn't want a boy
like Link, she wants a man like Karnov."
--Polas
BILL: "...So then Urkel
decided to send Urkelbot to the job interview instead of going
himself."
"Why?"
BILL: "I don't know why. I guess because it would allow a
mixup to occur that we, the viewer, would find amusing."
"Was it amusing?"
BILL: "Not really."
"Then I must ask you again. Why did he send the
Urkelbot?"
BILL: "Because he didn't think he was good enough to get the
job. But when the Urkelbot broke down and Urkel had to explain
himself, the man was so impressed by his honesty that he got the
job. The end."
"That was beautiful, Mike."
--NewsRadio
"When you expect me to zig, I
zag. And when you think a zag's coming? That's when I zog."
--Polas
"Hairballs are Nature's way
of saying, 'Bad Putty Tat! Stop licking yourself!'"
--Berke Breathed
"Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist
and lsat ltter is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a
wlohe."
--Anonymous
"Special effects without
story would be just boring."
--George Lucas, 1984
"I dreamt I was a
moron."
--Squall from FFVIII
"My grilfriend's named
Heather.
She wears lots of leather.
She has to be tethered.
Whenever there's weather.
She likes to eat feathers."
--An internet post
"They changed the name of the
Bronco to avoid association with the OJ incident. Now it's called
the Escape!"
--Arrested Development
"I've got SPIDER POWER!!"
--Peter Parker
"I'm waiting for someone to
punch a monkey at the zoo and blame flash ads."
--Penny Arcade's Tycho Brahe
"Hold your horses, miss
horsie holder."
--Rory Gilmore
"Ah, Valentine's Day. The
least awesome holiday of the year. And I include Administrative
Assistants Day in that statement. If you're single, you have an
entire society trying to make you feel bad about it, and you end
up getting drunk alone and listening to your Winamp playlist of
'Songs which Make You Want to Eat Bleach.' Or if you're in a
relationship, you've suddenly got all this pressure to put into
material form the love and devotion which you THOUGHT you had
been expressing for the last X weeks/months/years but apparently
not because you didn't buy someone a pink stuffed gorilla."
--Somebody smart
"Today's music industry is a
lot like professional wrestling. Everybody knows it's fake, but
no one cares."
--Tom Petty
"Nintendo isn't ashamed to
admit that it's chasing girls."
--Gamespot
"Be what you would seem to be
- or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself
not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what
you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had
been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
--Lewis Carroll
"Well, this wangs
chung."
--Leela
"Well, this toads the wet
sprocket."
--Leela
"The only things that can
survive a nuclear holocaust are concrete, roaches, and Mega Man,
having defeated Cement Mixer Man and Thorax Man in 1992."
--Polas
"The sad thing is that Canada
could have had French cuisine, British culture and American
technology, but ended up with British cooking, French technology,
and American culture."
--Anonymous
"People are more violently
opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich
women than motorcycle gangs."
--Anonymous
"Nobody shoots anybody in the
face unless you're a hit man or a video gamer."
--Jack Thompson
"The Wii is selling like
hotcakes!" --someone
"Do hotcakes really sell that fast?"
--someone else
"Now you can take your Jill
Sandwich wherever you go."
--Play magazine on Resident Evil DS
"At some point, you should
consider buying a real guitar."
--Guitar Hero loading screen
"It's more expensive to make
games for Australia because down there the CD drives spin the
opposite direction."
--Anonymous
"We should adopt the cat as
currency.
Think about it.
It would end the gap between the rich and the poor. I mean, who
wants to have 6 billion cats hanging around? You'd pretty much
have to give them away.
It would curb inflation. Cats reproduce at a rate about the same
that we print the dollar, but they aren't based on trust. All
cats need food and litter boxes, meaning a universal value.
Kids learn responsibility and get an allowance at the same time.
The cat as a currency would stimulate the economy, as only a live
cat would be usable. You'd have to spend it.
One cat would be worth more than a standard dollar. A car might
cost a thousand cats, but a nice meal for four would only cost
one cat. You can't split a cat, so people would have more
motivation to share with others.
It is very very very hard to counterfeit a cat.
No more stray cats. Heck, if I saw a stray cat and it was worth
money, I'd be all over that thing.
Drug trafficing would also be reduced. A cat exchange would be
VERY easy to spot.
It's environmentally friendly, since the bank and the animal
shelter would only need one building."
--"Golden Dude"
"You know why cats lick
themselves? Because they're delicious."
--Anonymous
"Why do they make gun bullets
out of lead? Don't they know people can die from lead
poisoning?"
--Anonymous
“I have heard there are
troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some
come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready, you
see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
--Dr. Seuss
"Don't you feel smart? Rudy
Giuliani spent more than $30 million dollars trying to become
President of the United States. You've spent nothing and you have
almost the same chance that he does."
--Mark Evanier
"Do people actually think
that I walk around in life like that all time? I'M GOING TO DO MY
LAUNDRY, YES! PASS ME THE MILK! THANK YOU. CAN I HAVE SOME
CHANGE?'"
- Dan Green, the voice actor for Yugi (wish I could hear this
one)
"Tonight I dine on Turtle
Soup!"
--Shredder, TMNT
"All right! It's time to pop
the Zitz and squeeze a Pimple and scratch a Rash!"
--General Slaughter, Battletoads
"PS3 is not a game machine.
We've never once called it a game machine."
--Ken Kutaragi, high-up at Sony
"I'd like to clearly say, 'The PS3 is a game
machine.' It's nothing more than that."
--Kaz Hirai, the other high-up at Sony
"You'll wonder just WHO'S
playing WHO!"
--actual sentence on a PS3 promotion poster
"I've said this before, but I
instantly lose respect for anyone who buys a PS3.
Like, a friend of mine has been in a real spiral lately. First he
flunks out of university, then spends an entire year doing
nothing, cause he can't keep a job for more than three days, so
he spends all his time playing WoW and watching TV, and he's
recently started on pot to get his thrills...and then I found out
he plans to buy a PS3. That's the last straw, man."
--Yet another internet post
"Ed obeys the Ramen! Only the
Ramen! All others are false! Repent!"
--Radical Edward
"What is a man? A miserable
little pile of Water, Carbon, Ammonia, Lime, Phosphorus, Salt,
Saltpeter, Sulfer, Flourine, Iron, Silicon, 15 other elements
...and secrets! But enough talk, have at you!"
--Seen in many signatures; paraphrased from Castlevania:
Symphony of the Night
"Dracula's died and come back
so often it barely counts. They've done this song and dance so
many times they started setting the games in the future because
they're down to one weekend in 1470 where the guy was actually
dead for more than a couple minutes. Not that this is strange.
Death is like his best bud. They just hang out in that tower all
day drinkin' PBRs and watching the Spice Channel until a Belmont
shows up and they pull the immortality equivalent of hiding under
the couch until he goes the hell away."
--1up.com
"Hey, isn't that man in
tights battling a skeleton head Prince Adam?"
"No, that couldn't be Prince Adam. Prince Adam's cat doesn't
have a weird helmet on it."
--Seanbaby
"You're only reading this
because you're bored!"
--Cranky Kong
"We will be beaten over the
head with anything we express interest in until well after we
lose interest."
--Joe Queenan
"Quoting: the act of
repeating erroneously the words of another."
--Ambrose Bierce
