#1: It just is
When people come to the
Oregon Coast, too many of them make the mistake of going to the
popular area named Seaside instead of the nearby town of Cannon
Beach. Cannon Beach is cleaner, prettier and a lot more serene.
Seaside is a trashy hole full of screaming children and ugly
tourist-trap stores full of garbage. By contrast, one visit to
pristine Cannon Beach is the calming mathematical equivalent of
1,000 auto-massaging jacuzzis.
There's only one real reason to
go to Seaside:
You know what that is? It's the F-Zero AX arcade machine. If you
have any other reason to go to Seaside, don't.
#2: The Picnic Basket
The Picnic Basket is full of stuff that I'll have to admit
interests my mother more than me, but there are still some
goodies to be found within (the real reason for this selection is
coming up shortly).
It's the only place in the world where you can buy
"Outland" magnets, for one thing.
Here we go....it's really about the ICE CREAM! Many competitors
have come and gone, trying to steal the thunder away from The
Picnic Basket's near-monopoly on Cannon Beach ice cream
consumption, but all have failed. One of the things you have to
do when you come here is get a cone after lunch. No visit to
Cannon Beach is complete without it....
#3: Extremely unique,
walk-friendly construction
No place at Seaside looks anywhere NEAR this cozy and laid-back.
The trashy souvenir shops have been replaced by classy art
galleries, Pizza by The Slice, quiet shops with soothing music,
and of course the Raunchy T-Shirt Store.
#4: The.....beach
I've been to Hawaii and I like this beach better. Cannon Beach is
extremely wide and long, allowing room for plenty of running,
jumping, dune buggy riding, kite flying....whatever fancies you,
go nuts. Its blatantly obvious distinguishment is Haystack Rock,
and they always tell people not to climb on it, but some do
anyway, and inevitably get trapped there when the tide rolls in.
At least stay on the beach long enough to hear the tsunami warning. I'm not fibbing about this:
*loudspeaker cracks on* MMMOOOOOOOOO!!! MMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
It's a cow, broadcast as loud as it can possibly be blasted. Then an extremely dry-sounding man comes on and drones out in a monotone:
"THIS.........IS.........A........TEST.
THE........SOUND.......OF........A........COW.......MOOING.....
MEANS........THIS.........IS........A......TEST.
IF......YOU........DO......NOT.......HEAR......A......
COW........MOOING........BUT.........INSTEAD.......YOU........HEAR.........A......SIREN......
THEN.....IT.........IS.......NOT........A......TEST.......AND.......YOU......SHOULD.....EVACUATE....
ALONG.......THE.......DESIGNATED......ROUTES.
THIS....IS.......A.......TEST. MMOOOOO!!
MMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOO!!! MMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"
I bet that works real well.
#5: House of the Potter
If you're looking for the famous market for original pottery wares and Christian knickknacks, "House of the Potter"......
....that's where it USED to be. It's pretty annoying when a
Cannon Beach tradition bites the dust. This town also used to
have two bookstores, and the better one closed up about three
years ago.
Ah...but it DOES still exist! It recently moved to an area that's
harder to find, somewhere behind several more stores and between
a kite shop and another kite shop. I really hope this doesn't
affect business because this place has been a stop on my tour on
every single Cannon Beach visit, dating back as far as I can
remember. In 1991 its name was "All This and Heaven
Too."
#6: Bruce's Candy Kitchen
This is the best-smelling room in the entire world. No,
really....I'm sure it can be scientifically proven. And it's not
just a candy kitchen...it's also a one-stop shop for tasteful
postcards.
There is also a rack with cheap books that show you all sorts of
advertising, news and weirdities from any given year--1915 to
1990, depending on what year's book you picked. Lookit dat: a
Commodore ad! With Captain Kirk on it!
I have an uncle who as far as I know still owns a videodisc
system. They were the first DVDs, only they were the size of
records and had no special features or even menus--the movie just
started playing the moment you shoved the disc in. You couldn't
touch the huge, heavy discs either--they were cased in their
thick paper packaging and the whole thing went into the videodisc
player.
#7: Cannon Beach Bakery
If you haven't been pumped
with enough sweets to turn you diabetic yet, the Cannon Beach
Bakery will take care of that, though you can buy a lot more than
just donuts and maple bars. All the baked goods are fresh, new
and warm, so you might as well find out what that tastes like.
#8: Dueber's
Submitted for your approval is Dueber's--the ultimate junk store.
I say so because most of the wares are things you have no use
for, yet many of them are actually worth something above $50. No
cheap plastic gimmicks 'round here! This is CANNON BEACH.
There's so much in Dueber's that I could spend the whole page
covering it, so I had to limit myself somewhere. Here's a typical
Dueber's shelf; full of weird greeting cards sorted by theme, old
classic tin signs, and left-wing bumper stickers. If you want
right-wing bumper stickers, they're at the Picnic Basket. Cannon
Beach covers all your bases!
On this rack you can buy a CD full of songs from a particular
year (yes, the "year" gimmick is common in Cannon Beach
stores). The problem with this is that you're limited to what the
BG Music Company has the rights to.
They don't sell THIS calendar at Seaside.
The guy who drew the calendar, and made all the cards on the rack
above it, apparently came to Dueber's this year. The blurry
message says, "BUY ONE OR ALL OF MY CARDS AT DUEBER'S!
NOW!!"
More sorted cards. Maybe I should have taken pictures of more
than just cards....oh well. On the left is the "scary
drawings of old people" rack. On the right is the
"fruity paintings of fairies" rack. Oops--that little
girl's looking at a bare-breasted fairy. If Mr. Dueber gets
arrested due to this photo, I'm not responsible.....
A wall full of tin signs. I'm skeptical of many of these being
actual signs used in the time period they're supposed to be from.
In case you're wondering about the sign in the upper left corner,
I shot this picture the day Hurricane Katrina hit. It's likely no
longer there.
#9: Outlet mall
This is closer to Seaside than Cannon Beach, which is why it
looks more generic, but it's worth a visit every time, if only to
see the thousands of bizarre products too "good" to
sell at a regular store that had to be moved here.
So anyway, there's this bookstore on the right side.....
NONE of these concepts sold at Borders. They had to be liquidated
here instead. Can you believe it?
Six copies of "Zombie Butts from Uranus" for ten
dollars?? I AM SO THERE!
And what visit to an Island of Misfit Books would be complete
without an appearance from the washed-up 90's sensation R.L.
Stine? If it's Santa Claus attacking cheerleaders with a shovel,
it's GOTTA be R.L. STINE!!
This sight made me sad.
The bookstore has begun to sell reject DVDs as of this year. You
know the DVD cover I showed you in the Public Domain Cartoons article that had the hideous painting of Bugs
Bunny? IT'S IN THAT RIGHT PACKAGE.
Here's the rest of them, and they're pretty much all garbage,
with the wild exception of the uncut version of Batman
Beyond: Return of the Joker. You HAVE to see this movie if
you haven't before. It's....just...amazing. An incredibly
powerful piece of work. Anyway, it's $9.99 at the book reject
depot.
It doesn't come anywhere close to House of the Potter, but
"Tree of Life" is a Christian outlet store that's
packed to the brim with spiritual items like...er, this Tae-Bo
video. I bet that Jaci Velasquez VHS is hot....
There used to be another reason to go to the outlet mall: the Dog
Water Cafe. It was there that I ate the best-tasting hot dog I
have ever eaten in my entire life. The next time I went to Cannon
Beach, the Dog Water Cafe was a required stop.
Unfortunately, that time I also noticed how many of the
restraunts around that area were closing up, and I thought
"oh no, what if they closed the Cafe too?" I rushed
over to the outlet mall and was relieved to see the Dog Water
Cafe still there and open. I sat down and prepared to order--and
was told by a cleaning lady that the cafe was already gone and
was just open today because of some weird legal snafu. Insert
wacky musical rimshot here. NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
The best hot dog I ever ate, and I'll only have one. Now, all you
can do in this mall is go to places like the Paper Outlet store
for elegant tableware and the gear necessary to BECOME the
BATMAN. It's still better than Seaside proper, though.
#10: Good Eats
And it's not like Cannon Beach is completely without good places
to eat. Wind down your beach trip with a visit to Mo's, the
ultimate seafood restraunt with a clear panoramic view of the
surf. Other good places to dine are the Driftwood Inn, and for
breakfast, Camp 18. Camp 18 is located along the freeway trip to
Cannon Beach, and don't be fooled by the Pig 'n Pancake located
within the town--Camp 18 is THE breakfast restraunt, and worth
the extra miles.
......................................................................................................................................................................................
BONUS HALF-REASON: THIS!
New to Cannon Beach is this pet gear store, with
an actual dog inside. I'm only mentioning it because I really
want to use this picture and almost forgot I took it. The sign
tells it all--Miss Puppy hasn't been spayed.